My restart button

Oh, today’s fitness class was a tough one.  Not because it was challenging in its content, but because I was soo tired!

Emotions.  Are.  Draining.

Vandie, our fitness guru, adjusts the class to how we are doing on any given day.  Imagine.  A tailor-fit fitness class.  Today – we flipped from being on the step – to being on the floor for pilates.  Yup.  Since both Laura and I had NO energy and our balance was so bad, Vandie decided we’d be better off on the floor.  Good call.  Even at that, I struggled. My muscles ached, my body would not cooperate.  But – I made it there and I made it through the class.  Phew. I always love the stretches at the end when it feels like my body can finally sink into the ground and disappear.  No more crunches. No more push ups. No more “five-mores”.  It is simply, “breathe”.

The day is rather glum.  I wonder if that’s part of it.  No matter what the cause, I am simply feeling “blah”.

I am tired.  I don’t want to be tired and so I’m doing all I can to get my butt in gear – including a good dose of yucky magnesium.  It is a powder that can be mixed into hot water, sweetened by aspartame (yuck!) and lemon flavour.  I won’t pick that kind again.  In any case, I am hoping it will go down okay.  This, as does my drug, elicits a gag response in me.  Honestly, between the Lynparza and Magnesium, I put on quite the morning show.  Good thing I’m usually alone when this act goes on.  That way, I can sip and gag in private.

Drained.  Even my fingers feel heavy typing these few words.  I’m sure it is because yesterday was so emotional.  I cried and cried and cried last night – thinking about how lucky I am.  What?  Why?  I had so many wonderful comments on yesterday’s post about the good news, you’d think I’d be elated. The more I read, the more teary I became.  I guess it’s that “why me?” survivor’s guilt.  No.  No one tells you that the physical battle against cancer yields to the emotional battle.  It’s probably a good thing – too much information, you know.

I am happy, rather, content.  It is a wonderful feeling – contentment.  It reminds me of that Robbie Burns grace:

“O thou who kindly dost provide
For ev’ry creature’s want!
We bless the God of Nature wide,
For all Thy goodness lent.

And if it please Thee, heavenly Guide,
May never worse be sent;
But, whether granted or denied,
Lord, bless us with content.

I am blessed with content.  My house is warm.  My fridge is full.  My family is in good health, and, other than being diseased, so too am I!  It is like the calm after the storm.  Being so happy yesterday drained me.  Today, I am recovering.  I am a recovering elationist.  I am a contented recovering elationist.  Yes.  That’s it.  I am a contented recovering elationist who sips and gags.

Oh boy.  Good luck to whomever is reading this post today!  My apologies for the bi-polar nature of it all in advance.

I think it now time to sign off and to take  a wee nap, collect my thoughts, and try this day one more time.  Thank God I have the option to simply press “restart”.  And so, in this – my contented mood – I bid you all adieu.  TTFN.