My restart button

Oh, today’s fitness class was a tough one.  Not because it was challenging in its content, but because I was soo tired!

Emotions.  Are.  Draining.

Vandie, our fitness guru, adjusts the class to how we are doing on any given day.  Imagine.  A tailor-fit fitness class.  Today – we flipped from being on the step – to being on the floor for pilates.  Yup.  Since both Laura and I had NO energy and our balance was so bad, Vandie decided we’d be better off on the floor.  Good call.  Even at that, I struggled. My muscles ached, my body would not cooperate.  But – I made it there and I made it through the class.  Phew. I always love the stretches at the end when it feels like my body can finally sink into the ground and disappear.  No more crunches. No more push ups. No more “five-mores”.  It is simply, “breathe”.

The day is rather glum.  I wonder if that’s part of it.  No matter what the cause, I am simply feeling “blah”.

I am tired.  I don’t want to be tired and so I’m doing all I can to get my butt in gear – including a good dose of yucky magnesium.  It is a powder that can be mixed into hot water, sweetened by aspartame (yuck!) and lemon flavour.  I won’t pick that kind again.  In any case, I am hoping it will go down okay.  This, as does my drug, elicits a gag response in me.  Honestly, between the Lynparza and Magnesium, I put on quite the morning show.  Good thing I’m usually alone when this act goes on.  That way, I can sip and gag in private.

Drained.  Even my fingers feel heavy typing these few words.  I’m sure it is because yesterday was so emotional.  I cried and cried and cried last night – thinking about how lucky I am.  What?  Why?  I had so many wonderful comments on yesterday’s post about the good news, you’d think I’d be elated. The more I read, the more teary I became.  I guess it’s that “why me?” survivor’s guilt.  No.  No one tells you that the physical battle against cancer yields to the emotional battle.  It’s probably a good thing – too much information, you know.

I am happy, rather, content.  It is a wonderful feeling – contentment.  It reminds me of that Robbie Burns grace:

“O thou who kindly dost provide
For ev’ry creature’s want!
We bless the God of Nature wide,
For all Thy goodness lent.

And if it please Thee, heavenly Guide,
May never worse be sent;
But, whether granted or denied,
Lord, bless us with content.

I am blessed with content.  My house is warm.  My fridge is full.  My family is in good health, and, other than being diseased, so too am I!  It is like the calm after the storm.  Being so happy yesterday drained me.  Today, I am recovering.  I am a recovering elationist.  I am a contented recovering elationist.  Yes.  That’s it.  I am a contented recovering elationist who sips and gags.

Oh boy.  Good luck to whomever is reading this post today!  My apologies for the bi-polar nature of it all in advance.

I think it now time to sign off and to take  a wee nap, collect my thoughts, and try this day one more time.  Thank God I have the option to simply press “restart”.  And so, in this – my contented mood – I bid you all adieu.  TTFN.

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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4 Responses to My restart button

  1. Gwen says:

    I love the “bipolar” nature of this post. It happens to so many of us – the highs of life (like getting your wonderful news yesterday or even two snow days back-to-to back) can have us dip to the “lows” which often leaves us exhausted. Your writing what so many of us feel, you my friend are NORMAL.

  2. Judy says:

    I am also gagging on a calcium magnesium powder that I’ve been taking. Ha ha – we’re so similar! I have found that mixing it with any Vitamin Zero flavor (1/4 cup in the glass) helps, too. Just thought I throw that out there.
    I know it’s all about staying healthy and I’m appreciative of my better health. After what you’ve gone through I can only imagine the tears of joy you’ve been crying. Yay!!!!

  3. Gallivanta says:

    Ha! A recovering elationist; that’s a good one. Also, lovely to be reminded of Robbie Burns’ grace.

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