I attended my first group therapy session today. I am not the same person having done so. That may be good – that may not be good. At this point it just is.
What did I think about it?
It reminded me of my parents speaking to why they did not want to go to an old age home where they would be surrounded by old people. They did not consider themselves old. I do not consider myself to have cancer. At least, not today. Group therapy reminded me I have cancer. What’s more was that the individuals there were so very, terribly similar to me – just, at various stages.
So – cancer was in my face today.
I know that I like information. I looked up too much information when I was first diagnosed… curiosity killed the cat.. as it were. Yet – I could barely help myself from doing so. I needed to know. What I found out devastated me. I’m okay now. I think. I learned a lot today about what I may be facing. Too much information. I didn’t want to know. I don’t want to know. I’ve been playing like I’m healthy recently. I’ve got painting to do, meals to cook, homework to help out with… too much to do to have cancer. Really. And the new drug is working. I know it will stop… eventually… but right now it is working. I can play healthy. I want to pretend. What’s wrong with that?
Everything. Everything and nothing.
I really liked those women. And I admired them. I saw such great courage, tenacity in the face of adversity. Holy shit cancer can make people heroes. Resilience. I felt minor in their company.
Do I really want to make friends with people, though, who are going to … well… die soon? Why would I do that? It is too hard. We are all fighting for our lives. Do they really want to know me?
I want to live. I want to forget I have cancer. I want to be with people who are cancer-free. Alive. Vibrant. I want to experience other problems like real people do.
When I discovered the meds were working, I felt free. I felt light. I forgot that I had cancer. It has been tucked away for weeks. And I’ve been living — planning. Is that smart? Ought I to be more realistic? I don’t want to be. Why would I? I am loving life.
Not today. It was hard. It was really hard.
I’ve never shied away from things that are tough.
I have to decide what to do – just because it was tough, does that mean it was not worth-while? I’d like to lay down the foundations for support when I am going to need support. Maybe this group would be a good thing. I’m so conflicted.
Tomorrow is another day. I’ll think about it. I’ll sleep on it. And pretend that I’m free from cancer… just for tonight.