Group Therapy

I attended my first group therapy session today.   I am not the same person having done so.  That may be good – that may not be good.  At this point it just is.

What did I think about it?

It reminded me of my parents speaking to why they did not want to go to an old age home where they would be surrounded by old people.  They did not consider themselves old.  I do not consider myself to have cancer. At least, not today.  Group therapy reminded me I have cancer.  What’s more was that the individuals there were so very, terribly similar to me – just, at various stages.

So – cancer was in my face today.

I know that I like information.  I looked up too much information when I was first diagnosed… curiosity killed the cat.. as it were.  Yet – I could barely help myself from doing so.  I needed to know.  What I found out devastated me.  I’m okay now.  I think.  I learned a lot today about what I may be facing.  Too much information.  I didn’t want to know.  I don’t want to know.  I’ve been playing like I’m healthy recently.  I’ve got painting to do, meals to cook, homework to help out with… too much to do to have cancer.  Really.  And the new drug is working.  I know it will stop… eventually… but right now it is working.  I can play healthy.  I want to pretend.  What’s wrong with that?

Everything.  Everything and nothing.

I’m conflicted.

I really liked those women.  And I admired them.  I saw such great courage, tenacity in the face of adversity.  Holy shit cancer can make people heroes.  Resilience.  I felt minor in their company.

Do I really want to make friends with people, though, who are going to … well… die soon?  Why would I do that?  It is too hard.  We are all fighting for our lives.  Do they really want to know me?

I want to live.  I want to forget I have cancer.  I want to be with people who are cancer-free.  Alive.  Vibrant.  I want to experience other problems like real people do.

When I discovered the meds were working, I felt free.  I felt light.  I forgot that I had cancer.  It has been tucked away for weeks.  And I’ve been living — planning.  Is that smart?  Ought I to be more realistic?  I don’t want to be.  Why would I?  I am loving life.

Not today.  It was hard.  It was really hard.

I’ve never shied away from things that are tough.

I have to decide what to do – just because it was tough, does that mean it was not worth-while?  I’d like to lay down the foundations for support when I am going to need support.  Maybe this group would be a good thing.  I’m so conflicted.

Tomorrow is another day.  I’ll think about it.  I’ll sleep on it.  And pretend that I’m free from cancer… just for tonight.

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in cancer, Cancer Journey, ovarian cancer, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Group Therapy

  1. I’m of an age where, like your parents, I have no desire to be surrounded by elderly folk, so I know where you are coming from. I think you have lots of balance in your life though, teaching and fitness friends, and this could just give you support in other ways. Love

  2. Gallivanta says:

    Hope you sleep well. Are you normally a group person? I am not. I am not a Book Club person, a bridge playing person, an exercise group person, a sewing group person…… and I expect I wouldn’t be a group therapy person. Some people of course thrive in groups; you probably saw that in group work when you were teaching. Others like me just sink. 😦 Our minister once told me that when times are tough or maybe have the potential to get tough, it is a good idea to choose 4 friends to help you on your journey. I like that idea. I am sure you will discover what is right for you. 🙂

    • inmycorner says:

      I am not a group person – interesting, eh? Why would I ever think I would be? I don’t know – just trying to explore my options I guess. I like your minister’s idea of the four friends. And none of them have cancer. THank you Gallivanta. You are always there – here – … great that you are awake when everyone else on this side of the pond is asleep!

  3. You’ll know what to do Stacey. Even if it changes every single day. These days you lived as if you didn’t have cancer? Then those days, you live like you don’t have cancer!!!! I hope you have thousands of days like that left. Thousands and thousands!!!! None of us are promised those thousands. So I like, love, how you live THIS day. ❤

  4. Judy says:

    On your journey, you’ve chosen a positive path and I don’t see it as denial. I love how you are able to acknowledge your feelings, Stacey. It’s so much healthier than judging them!
    As far as support groups go, I was very involved in them during my grief and found them helpful. But it reached a point where I needed to go off on my own. I think there’s a time for them.

    There’s another aspect to those groups. You are a shining light – your path is one that is farther ahead and you offer hope and inspiration. Rather than feeling drained, you might realize that sharing that light will solidify it even more. It happened for me. This happens when you write your blog and also when you meet people in everyday life that are blessed to know you. Many years later, I found myself comforting people who were grieving the way I once did – it didn’t bring me down anymore. That could happen for your also.

    But in the meantime, I love that you are treasuring and enjoying every day of your life. That is magnificent!

    • inmycorner says:

      Judy – you always put so much thought into your responses. I am so appreciative. I don’t know how to reply, sometimes. So – I sit and think and re-read your response seveal times. Of course, you are right. I’m not sure I was a light, in this case, though. Not like you. I think you are further ahead (for now! grin) in terms of being the light. Glad you are there for me, I must admit. And serving to guide me.

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