My New Paradigm

“You are stronger than you think.”

These are the words I read in a post this morning.  I remember how I used to be able to push myself harder to achieve more.  I remember doing sit-ups and push-ups and step-ups and more.  And when I thought I could do no more, Vandie would encourage me with the words, “you are strong”,  or even, “you can do another 8, right?”.

And I was strong.  And I did another 8 more.

Yet, today, the phrase, “You are stronger than you think” has taken on an entirely different meaning for me today.  I know I am stronger – but it is not in a way I can predict or expect.  Endurance is not about another “8 more”.  Strength comes in so many different packages and they change day by day.

Today – I need strength to get out of bed.

Today – I need strength to face taking my son, Ben, back to school and trusting that he will be okay until I see him again.

Today – I need strength to trust that my daughter, Katya, is safe as she travels in a foreign country far, far away from home.

I need strength to take my chemo pills.  They are saving my life – but holy smokes, I gag every time I take them.

Today – I need strength to think positively about life.  I need to see the blessings I have.  I will actively encourage myself to move forward – to engage in the day – to … simply get out of bed.

I AM stronger than I think.  I WILL accomplish these goals.  Of this, I am certain.

My paradigm has shifted.

About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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5 Responses to My New Paradigm

  1. Judy says:

    It sounds like your priorities have shifting and you are gently prodding yourself to do the most basic things. It is tiring to always feel the need to “be strong.” I think it’s okay to just cope, to just relax, to just take the pressure off. That does make it easier to feel the blessings, I think.
    Sending you a big hug, Stacey! Your honesty is beautiful and you are awesome!

    • inmycorner says:

      Oh – I am so trying to take off that pressure, Judy. I’m sure you know that struggle – I am confident you know it. ps I’m still laying in bed although I’ve ventured into my office for a bit – still – a book seems to be calling my name – that or lunch with my boy. I think I know which will win. You are awesome too – you always make me feel so much better. Thank you.

  2. Gwen says:

    This week’s weather, coupled with a busy month (how is it that the shortest month seems the busiest?) make many of us hope to have the strength to do many every day activities. You are not alone there. Hang in there.

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