My father used to say, “the only thing you can count on to not change is change itself”.

Of course I had no idea, as a young person, what that meant.  Youth is full of change.  Of course things change.  And what’s more is that life is dull, when one is young, if there is no change.  Routine sucks…. when you are young.

I get it now.  Change rattles my bones.  It disrupts my world.  I am so spoiled by the things that are constant that I begrudge things that aren’t.  Oh – how I long for stability, calm, and steady.  My pace is slow.  I move when I am calm and pace myself to be calm.  Last minute throws me into a tizzy.  Even home renovations happen at a slow pace now.  And that’s saying something for a woman who used to change things up every week – cuz it was good to change things up.


Ben, my eldest, moves back to university.  Katya, my middle, leaves for Abu Dhabi.  David, my youngest, moves into grade nine.

I am in a holding pattern.  Thank God.  My CA (cancer marker) sits calmly at 9.  To be precise it vacillates between 8, 9, and 10.  No pain, other than the few (or multiple) scar tissues that plague my body every once in a while – that I think must be cancer returning – but they aren’t – so far. You know what I mean?  I am not working.  I watch cooking shows.  I cook.  I clean.  I do the regular things around the house.  I lunch out with friends sometimes.  I go to fitness.  This is my holding pattern.  Again, I thank God for that.  The world seems to swirl around me like a frenzied whirling dervish:  North Korea’s nuclear threats, Trump’s provocative and reactionary threats, hurricanes, earthquakes, famines, droughts… change, change, change.

I pause.  Sometimes.  When I pause I realize I have not slowed down from my pace to reflect.  I have been swept up in the change of other events and have, consequently, changed.  Nothing is the same.  No one is the same.  Nothing is “on hold”, in real time.  Living in the moment is the only way I can find stability.  There here and now is stable.  No change.  I pause.  I breathe.  I reflect.  I write.  By writing, I find stability.  It grounds me.  I can focus.  I can organize and categorize.  I create a memory that will not change.  I cannot romanticize it, I cannot dramatatize it, I cannot let it fade.  Writing freezes time.

Today, in this heat, I stay inside.  It is too hot for me out there – I can’t breathe.  Likely, this is a side-effect of my condition.  That’s okay – because thank goodness I know I can turn on the air conditioner and be cool.  No change there.  I can drink plenty of water – cold -when I choose.  No change there.  I can count on my husband and my children to get the care, education, opportunities they need to thrive.  No change.  At least, for now.  In this moment.  And for that stability of things I am so very grateful.

So, my day moves forward, helping David with his homework, celebrating Katya’s new opportunity with a dinner, and touching base with Ben to hear his voice which reassures me he is happy.  Together, Kevin and I hold down our wee fort called home.  I stay in this moment until I am forced with the change that will inevitably come.  “Don’t lose yourself in the future, Stacey”, I say to myself.  “There is no point.  You can’t count on things you cannot predict.”

And then I reflect on my father’s words of wisdom once again, and remember I can always count on change.

That’s for sure.


About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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13 Responses to Change

  1. Judy says:

    I haven’t gone through any of what you have, Stacey – but related to it so well. I feel like I’ve slowed down, lately. I’m never that comfortable with my eyes and I know I need to be careful when I am out and about. I try not to anticipate change or bad things happening (I live in earthquake country), but that can be easier said than done.
    It is so peaceful now and like you, I find so much joy in holding down the fort with all my children – staying close to them and reveling in their accomplishments. You’re so right that it’s good to count on change. It can be sudden or slow, but nothing stays the same. I kind of like knowing that, too!

    • inmycorner says:

      I think you have gone through an awful lot of the same things that I have gone through, Judy. Different trauma – same effect. And I’ll bet you have a few worries on your mind living there when Mexico is shaking so hard. So glad you and I have also found that joy! Aren’t we blessed to have our children and families? Thanks for reading!

  2. Great post. I’m still getting it.

    “I get it now.  Change rattles my bones.  It”

  3. Your father was so brilliant. You know the funny thing Stacey? Sometimes I happily anticipate change. Other times…..I fight it ferociously.

  4. Very well said. I’ve come to hate change — which doesn’t matter one speck. Time thumbs its nose at me as it whizzes by. 🙂

  5. karen markovic says:

    Glad all is well….. change is awesome…. both kinds. Love it when I find it on the ground. I think it is a sign and then I make a wish. Or the turning points in our lives that can lead us down new paths!

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