A memory from facebook popped up on my feed this morning. It was a post I had written one year ago today and was entitled, “More“. I read it. I remembered how full of hope I was at the time, my last cycle of depression through my final chemo of that series. Funny how one can feel such hope … when suffering a chemically induced depression.
One year later – did I fulfill all those dreams?
I sit here this morning and feel the cool summer morning air across my arms. I hear the birds singing outside my window. I smell the aromatic flavors of the basil plants we brought in from outside last night (for fear of frost). I am alive. I am alive. I am alive.
It’s hard not to take stock of where one is at – this time of year – the beginning of the quiet season, the reflective seasons. Like the ant in the story of the Grasshopper and the Ants I must consider which I’ve been more like throughout the summer. If I had been the grasshopper, I would have played – been merry – lived and had fun. If I had been the ant, I would have worked hard to prepare for the winter. I would have cultivated my crops, fortified my estate, and taken inventory of what I would need to care for my community when times got tough through the miserly winter season.
I consider whether it would have been better to be one or the other? My conclusion: a happy median. I enjoyed myself at play, at enjoyed myself at work. I am happy that I take great memories away from this summer and in particular, spending time with my family. We may not have been all together all at once, but I sowed the seeds and reaped the rewards of family time one load at a time. I also worked hard to maintain our family home through renovations and upgrades. We will enjoy our new kitchen this winter.
A year ago – I wanted more. I wanted more energy, more health, more optimism, and more time. I got it.
I have more energy. I’m still not at full steam, but I have more.
I have my health. If I weren’t diseased, I’d be in fantastic shape!
I am more optimistic. I make future plans now – still, rather tentatively, but I make plans.
I am more able to be in public. I suffer from time to time with social anxieties, but I can get out. I can even be in a crowd – for a while.
I have my family and friends. I may not see them as much as I like, but thanks to social media and the phone, I can connect when I like.
I have more. I am blessed.
What “more” could I want?