More – Revisited

A memory from facebook popped up on my feed this morning.  It was a post I had written one year ago today and was entitled, “More“.  I read it.  I remembered how full of hope I was at the time, my last cycle of depression through my final chemo of that series.  Funny how one can feel such hope … when suffering a chemically induced depression.

One year later – did I fulfill all those dreams?

I sit here this morning and feel the cool summer morning air across my arms.  I hear the birds singing outside my window.  I smell the aromatic flavors of the basil plants we brought in from outside last night (for fear of frost).  I am alive.  I am alive.  I am alive.

It’s hard not to take stock of where one is at  – this time of year – the beginning of the quiet season, the reflective seasons.  Like the ant in the story of the Grasshopper and the Ants  I must consider which I’ve been more like throughout the summer.  If I had been the grasshopper, I would have played – been merry – lived and had fun.  If I had been the ant, I would have worked hard to prepare for the winter.  I would have cultivated my crops, fortified my estate, and taken inventory of what I would need to care for my community when times got tough through the miserly winter season.

I consider whether it would have been better to be one or the other?  My conclusion:  a happy median.  I enjoyed myself at play, at enjoyed myself at work.  I am happy that I take great memories away from this summer and in particular, spending time with my family.  We may not have been all together all at once, but I sowed the seeds and reaped the rewards of family time one load at a time.  I also worked hard to maintain our family home through renovations and upgrades.  We will enjoy our new kitchen this winter.

A year ago – I wanted more.  I wanted more energy, more health, more optimism, and more time.  I got it.

I have more energy.  I’m still not at full steam, but I have more.

I have my health.  If I weren’t diseased, I’d be in fantastic shape!

I am more optimistic.  I make future plans now – still, rather tentatively, but I make plans.

I am more able to be in public.  I suffer from time to time with social anxieties, but I can get out. I can even be in a crowd – for a while.

I have my family and friends.  I may not see them as much as I like, but thanks to social media and the phone, I can connect when I like.

I have more. I am blessed.

What “more” could I want?

About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in acceptance, appreciation, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to More – Revisited

  1. Gwen says:

    Always a balancing act of work and play, family and friends. One couldn’t ask for more.

  2. Judy says:

    Ending your post with that question left me thinking – perhaps you feel those “shoulds” piling on you. Like: I should be grateful, I should be happy every moment I’m alive etc. etc.
    Of course you are!! But you are human and you have gone through hell, Stacey. I’m telling you that it’s okay to acknowledge that and even to complain. It doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful to be here. But you deserve to grieve what you’ve gone through. I am giving you permission!!

  3. I am so glad I ‘met’ you Stacey. I remember that post. And I am grateful for the more you put in life.

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