In the Land of the Living

I woke up with a depression hang-over this morning.  It felt somewhat like a brain-bruise, and injury that is trying to heal but reminds you that you ought not to use that muscle again, or bone again… or emotion again.  I wonder if that is something like the experience people with post traumatic stress disorder feel?  Nonetheless, it was business as usual around the house.  I got up.  The bathroom door was closed and the light on so David was moving forward with his day – no worries there and the lights on downstairs confirmed that Kevin was in his office.

Jazz, as always, was the first to greet me.  This time, I noted, “good grief, does she ever need to be brushed!”  Her mangy hair was clumped about her body, making her look like some very sad excuse of a dog.  Her tailed wagged, she rose, and began to run around me in anticipation of her morning treat.  I know that’s the only reason she is excited to see me in the morning, but, oh well!  What the heck.  If Ryan Gosling can live in la la Land, so can I!  grin.

Kevin beat Jazz and I to the kitchen and started a coffee for me.  God bless him.  I’m not sure if he does it to be nice, or to avoid my morning growl?  Whatever the reason – I was greeted by a happy dog and a thoughtful hubby this morning.  This – is my life. And the morning proceeded as per usual until both boys were out the door and I was scrambling for keys to take the car to fitness class.  This is something I try to do by convincing myself that I don’t have to do much – even if I just go – that will be enough.  And that was what won me over this morning.

“Just you today, Stacey,” said Vandie.

Normally, I’d be okay with that.  This morning, I was ever-so-tempted to just ask to have coffee instead.  But, NO.  Damn it.  I did not utter those words.

“Where is our other partner in crime?”

“She slipped on the ice and cracked open her head.”

“Son of a gun!” Not only was she going through radiation therapy, but now… stitches in her head.  I remembered breaking my elbow on the ice the year my mother died and how traumatizing that was.  I’m not sure what I would have done to add insult to injury with radiation and a cracked skull.

“Vandie, did you read my post?”

“I did.  And I have an opinion.  Don’t go back.  It is okay to be in denial – to live your life as though you are cancer free.  It seems like you rubbed salt in the wound yesterday.  You are alive and you are hopeful.  Stay that way.”

And she was right.  Why can’t live in denial?  I am currently healthy, happy, and becoming more and more fit with each day I live – as far as I am concerned.  Almost immediately, Vandie began the music and we were stepping it up.  Cardio first, then muscles.  I had very little time to think – I was doing.  I was doing.  I was moving.  I was alive. I am alive.  I am in remission – maybe chemically induced – but remission.  Nothing is growing.  I am getting stronger.  Period.

By the time 45 minutes were up, I felt like floating out of the room.  My God.  What a difference.

“I don’t want to go to the nursing home Vandie”, I told her.  “You know what I mean.”

“I do, Stacey. So, don’t. You have your own support community.  You have people who want you to live – so live.”

I left.  I picked up Timmy’s coffee and drove home feeling mighty inspired.

I read comments from others on yesterday’s blog which read something to the same effect. I am alive.  The more I read, the more I was resolved to live.  I’m back.  I have so many wonderful and encouraging friends and family.  I am so blessed.  It is in this moment where I will stay – for as long as I can.  Right now I am alive.  Right now I feel well.  Right now I count my blessings and realize how lucky I am.

From the bottom of my heart – thank you to all who have reminded me that I belong to the land of the living.  Here – is where I would like to stay.  Thank you!

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in acceptance, activity, advice, appreciation, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to In the Land of the Living

  1. Judy says:

    Although hearing supportive comments was helpful, you get all the credit, Stacey, for being in the land of the living. You went to that place because you chose it! You have the power to stay there and although it might feel shaky at times, it seems like just going through the motions keeps you inspired and in a great place.
    It’s normal to have PTSD with all you’ve been through. I love hearing about your journey and know you are definitely on a good path. Thinking about a destination is never helpful – I do that, too sometimes and then I stop myself. It’s all about the journey!

  2. Dawna speers says:

    Hi Stacey—stay in the moment—-enjoy each moment—live each moment—and within this blessed moment –know that you have your own support group that are cheering for you—from far and wide.

  3. Janine says:

    I got your back girl. No nursing home unless we are in the same room.

  4. Jan Duff says:

    I’m with Vandie!!!

    Love you, Stacey.

    Jan

  5. Gwen says:

    Haven’t had the chance to read yesterday’s post, but I agree with Vandie-you have an amazing support group already. At this point, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

  6. Pam Fitzsimmons says:

    Wise words from our Vandie. She’s the best! 🙂

  7. karen markovic says:

    Stay strong and positive….yes I know…easier said then done. When we go thru dramatic and traumatic life events our lives and hearts can never be the same….ever! I have been thru so much holistic healing. I am trying with every fibre of my being to go forward. Remember we are spiritual beings on a human journey. Always manifest the positive. Thoughts, feelings, emotions…be true to the nature of you and see beauty whenever and where ever you can! I don’t spend one moment in time dealing with non sense and rubbish any longer….time is too precious! Best wishes to you!

  8. You aren’t in denial I don’t think. You are living your truth Stacey! You are beautifully alive. 🙂

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