“Well, Stacey”, said my oncologist yesterday, “I called the big kahunas in Toronto and they had never heard of this reaction.”
She was, of course, referring to my rather abrupt and notable allergic reaction I think I had on Sunday night to my new “remission – prolonging” drug, “Lynparza”.
“One in a million, I am, I guess”, I responded.
“So, we’d like to try this again. Let’s introduce the drug in smaller doses. Have your Benedryl handy and go to emergency if things get bad.”
Funny. Those words were actually of comfort to me. I was, and remain, desperate for this new drug to be a part of my life now. For months I did not want to begin. Now, I can’t wait to try. Well, that’s a slight exaggeration. I can wait. But, I think I’m better off with the pill than without. And there is that funny balance once again. I am willing to take a risk – but I don’t want to have to be on steroids to take it.
“I don’t want to put you on steroids”, said Dr. Singh.
So, those words were a bit of a relief. Yet, what if they work? What then? I catch myself thinking too much into the future often. “Live now, Stacey.” Which would be great if I could do that because right now I feel fantastic. I am ready to go! Mornings seem to be slower, but once I’m going I’m hard to stop… well, until 6 pm and then I’m gone again. Of course. I’ve had a grand total of 14 shots of chemo over the past two years. I guess that will slow a person down. Truthfully, it doesn’t really matter at this stage of the game anyhow. I am not working so I don’t need to rush off and do lesson plans, marking, and prep. I don’t need to be primed an ready to do a song and dance at the front of the classroom to keep my students entertained while learning. I don’t have to rush off and pick up dinner to come home and cook while my coat is still on – so that we can rush out to piano, karate, or basketball. I have time. Well, I guess I have time. I hope I have time. I’ll have more time when I can get this pill working properly for me.
I write this post with my trusty bottle of Lynparza beside me on one side – and on the other sits Benedryl. I am the fulcrum. It seems.
I wait for 8:15 am to take two pills.
The last reaction happened six hours after consumption.
2:00 pm will be the witching hour. Still daylight. Dr. Singh will still be at work.
It’s now 8:15 am. It’s time. I’m ready.
Signing off for now.
Let’s try this again, shall we?