My hair is just starting to grow back. Right now, however, it looks like fuzz, almost goose down. It’s not right. I’m thinking I’ll shave it off to let the new hair breathe. If the new hair EVER comes in. I’m plain tired of being bald. It is soft to the touch so not too bad. It is most definitely white. I have not had the opportunity to watch it “turn” more and more grey with age. It is just going to grow in “BAM” white. Yes, it’s been nearly five months since I’ve seen my hair – including my eyebrows which all but left me. They appear to have greyed over time too. At least, I hope, they will grow in. My particular chemo causes hair loss. And loss of hair I most certainly do have.
Without the chemo, however, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now typing my post.
It is difficult to find a balance between the chemo and cancer; It’s like being between a rock and a hard spot. Chemo is bad – cancer is bad. Which of the two “bads” will affect me most today – a month from now – a year from now? I am about to face that balance once more on October 2… when I begin olaparib. “Side-effects include nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite… ” and so on. If the benefits of the drug out-weigh the costs, then I keep taking the dose I am prescribed. If the costs of the drug out-weighs the benefits, then I reduce my dose.. but that gives more head-room for the cancer to grow. This is going to get interesting.
I am now going on five weeks post chemo. I wonder how I should be feeling? How did I feel last time I was five weeks post chemo? To answer this question, I looked into the archives of my blog. My posts were few and far between. I found “one”. It was the post where I described my extreme fatigue. I was gardening, pulled one week, and then collapsed back onto the ground. I stared at the sky. But that was about all I could see in terms of posts from that month. I guess I was too busy living, breathing, doing. I need to get back to that. I need to get busy living. I cannot waste this time.
Then: I was naive and thought I was ‘finished’ treatment.
Now: I know better. This battle is for life.
Then: I was limited by my anxiety.
Now: I am limited by my fatigue. But I do not give into it.
Then: It was spring.
Now: It is fall.
It is much more uplifting to finish chemo in spring. Everything is just beginning. There is so much promise of new growth, new life, new everything. Summer vacation is around the corner and families plan for exciting adventures together.
Finishing chemo in the fall is a little lack-luster. The trees will soon shed their leaves – they may not even have the glorious colours this year because it has been so dry and hot. I am hoping to see the show… still… since it is one of my most favorites shows of all time, the fall leaves. The kids are back to school. Routine begins again. I need to find the snow shovels and put the kayaks away soon. Maybe this year we will snow shoe again? I do love the crisp air that bites your cheeks on those winter morning walks. I may even have energy by then to shovel the driveway out? Will I? Will my fatigue have subsided by then – or will I still be tired because of the olaparib? Maybe I’m just super-human and will not feel the effects like everyone else!
October 2. My own personal “D- Day”. I begin my new medication. Eight pills in the morning and eight pills at night. Oh boy. No crushing them, no liquidating them… no throwing them out. Down the hatch. I need to figure out how to do that. I have to. I will.
My friend Vandie told me, “Stacey, think of them like HOPE IN A BOTTLE”. I like that analogy. I love it. It is an attitude. It has to be a feeling… I have to have hope. I have hope they will help me live. They will give me more time. It is up to me to live – they will give me the opportunity, but I have to do something with my time.
Maybe – they are more than hope in a bottle. Maybe they are more like time in a bottle? Yes. Each pill gives me more time. The more I take – the more time I have? Yes. That’s it. I really do have time in a bottle. Jim Croce would be envious! grin.
“TIME IN A BOTTLE“. If I could save time in a bottle… beautiful !
Jim Croce – Time In A Bottle Lyrics
The first thing that I’d like to do
Is to save every day
‘Til eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
I’d save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
I’ve looked around enough to know
That you’re the one I want to go
Through time with
If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you