There is a quiet rumbling deep in my soul. I’m not sure I can put words to it, yet I know that if I can – the rumbling may calm.
The rumble is neither bad, nor good. It exists. It speaks of life and it speaks of death. It speaks of loss and it speaks of gain. It speaks of the passage of time and the move from the past to the future.
There is a rumble when a house is full. There is quiet when it is not. The silence is more disconcerting than the rumble and I would opt for the latter in favor. Maybe silence gives too much time for reflection? Too much time alone? Silence, though, helps me sort through the rumbling. So – which is it to be today?
Let me sort through the transition from a home which cared for a grandmother for two years to a home now occupied by a young woman beginning her life and career. One loss: one gain. One moves out: another moves in. The front door revolves and change is in the wind. Let’s see where this takes me, takes us…
My eldest left for school today. His room sits empty. Silent. Dark. The lights are off. There is no movement other than the memories of him sleeping, playing, dreaming. I look away but the memories do not disappear – they are too deep. They are mine and protected deep in heart. My thoughts turn to where he is now: new beginning. His life moves on. His life becomes alive in a different place. The lights turn on. I smile, but remain silent to send best wishes to him as he begins again.. another new year. I raise my hand to switch off the light in his room. The front door revolves and change is in the wind.
My health now lies in the hands of a new medication. The chemo series # 2 has ended. Chemo had become my friend – it killed me yet saved my life. What an odd pairing to happen. There was a certain comfort in knowing that I’d have the chance to fight every three weeks and being able to predict what the fight would look like – how long it would last. It was predictable in it’s day 1, day 2, day 3 … motion. How will this new drug work? Rumble, rumble, rumble in my soul. There is uncertainty, change. The front door revolves and change is in the air.
The bells have rung. One chapter ends and another begins. The winds of change blow.
I hoist my sails – and throw caution to the wind – hoping for a smooth ride.
(Note to Colleen: Kevin brought along a bike bell for me to ring afterall!)