Tell me quando, quando, quando?

I look around to see if there is anything in my line of sight that could describe the way I feel today.

But I see nothing.  There is nothing that looks “melancholy”.  Nothing.

The flowers David bought me yesterday are cheery and perky.

The hat I wear to cover my bald head from the sun is still neat and trim.

The leaves on the trees are still green and especially so since yesterday’s rain.

The clouds are more angry looking or blah – that’s not the same thing.

Nature is not cooperating with me today – there is nothing that speaks melancholy.

So – I am alone in this state.  Maybe that’s the thing.  I ought not to feel this way.  How is it possible to feel melancholy and yet not be able to find it anywhere.  That ought to make me sad – but it makes me feel like I need to snap out of it.  I see beauty where I look.  I am surrounded by love where I look.  I am comforted by the luxuries of home.

Melancholy has no taste.  It has no smell.  It has no one to keep it company today – but for me.  And I don’t want to be there.  Is that why it is failing me?  I cannot sink into it.  I cannot rest with it.  I cannot enjoy it.  If I did -I would be alone.  And I don’t want that.

And then, I remember, I am often of this state of mind .. a “day 5” per se, just before chemo.  And it is four days till my next and final (for now) chemo.  I do not look forward to it.  I “ought” to as then – this session will be finished.  I have many questions this time.  I have many doubts.  It is difficult to see past this “end” to see what is next.

Melancholy is the wall I cannot see through.  It is a window that is speckled with dust.  Melancholy is time that drags on.  I don’t want to do this dance with it anymore.  It is the unwanted partner that intrudes between the me I want to be and the me I find myself being when I am with it.  Melancholy is alone.  I am more lonely with it – than without it.  Yet, I find I hold it’s hand for company.  It drags me down.  I talk to it for feed-back and it drags me down.  I whisper it’s name and it takes it presence beside me.

No more.

No more dance. No more being alone.  No more whispers.

Karaoke.

The enemy of melancholy.

My weapon of choice.

My victory.

My music.

My song.

My goodness…  when will I ever learn?  Tell me, “Quando, quando, quando?”

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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4 Responses to Tell me quando, quando, quando?

  1. Judy says:

    You convey the struggle so well. Your mind is determined, but your body interferes. It is not you – it is the poison. I cannot imagine how difficult it is. Another way that I’ve found helpful, is to detach from myself and speak to myself as if I were talking to a good friend. I’m reassuring and understanding. I’d love for you to give yourself that gift – perhaps you’ve set the bar higher than it can be at this time.
    Thinking of you and always amazed at how beautifully you express your feelings. I am glad if I can be that reassuring and understanding friend. 🙂

  2. You are a master of determination Stacey. Melancholy has a purpose. It’s served it now, tell it to move on.

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