“Stacey, this is your memory”

Facebook can be cruel.

I have written many stories and posted many posts to facebook.  This means that there is a “Here is your Memory” presented to me almost everyday.  Since so many of my posts have dealt with cancer, there is a continual reminder of my journey.  This is both good and bad.  Today’s memory,  The Firewall, is no exception to the rule.  It was tough to read.

I was naive then.  Still, I anticipated the tough road it would be should cancer return.  I think I was more anxious about its return then than I am now – fighting cancer for the second time.

I was worrying about something that hadn’t happened.  Why did I waste my energy?  I almost feel angry at the old me then, knowing what I know now.

Funny how I believed I was living life in the moment, taking advantage of my days, living actively, loving life, appreciating family… I could go on.  Now – I see that I was blocking life out.  Well, not really life, but a big part of my life:  cancer.  I currently live WITH cancer.  I cannot avoid it.  It is and always will be with me.  So, why not face it?

Yes, I feel angry when I read The Firewall.

It won’t last.  I have things planned for today.  And this day, here and now, I feel more realistic.  I do not deny my health status.  I do not deny how I am feeling.  And this includes my neuropathy.  The tingling in my hands and feet may or may not subside.  I have another round of chemo to go until I get a break from the poison. My hands and feet may or may not get worse.  But I decided a couple days ago that I will live anyhow.  I will try to become fitter.  I will try to eat more healthfully.  I will continue to focus on my family. I will set goals.  All these things I will do  – not to beat cancer – but to prepare for another round of chemo when it is needed.  Because it will come.  I will not beat cancer – yet – rather, walk with it in my life.  It is part of me and until there is a cure, I guess I just have to think of it like the uninvited guest that never left.  I can tolerate that.

Three months ago, I would not have had the option of this new set of 18 pills that I am about to experiment with.  Three months ago… I would have sat like a lame duck waiting for cancer to come back.  Three months ago – I was looking at maybe a four month remission and now… hoping for a year.

And one year from now, when I look back at this memory from Facebook – I don’t want to be angry.  I want to be proud of myself.  I want to remember how brave I was/ am.  I want to love myself for being honest and for facing my real future and now some fake future that is easier to view when cloaked in lies. I do not want to wear the glasses of the future to judge the way I am today.  I just want to see.  Maybe that’s not going to be easy to do.

Yes.  I have cancer.  I am BRCA positive.  That is a truth that I and my family and friends must face.  I am positive.  I am hopeful.

I have quality of life.  It’s just a different quality than before.  It is not better and it is not worse. It’s like comparing apples and oranges.  I accept that.  I embrace that.  I am grateful for everything I have.  I do not ask for more.  I need to take things as they come.

So – facebook of the future, take that!

About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in acceptance, appreciation, cancer, Cancer Journey, ovarian cancer, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to “Stacey, this is your memory”

  1. Gwen says:

    Change of mindset can make all the difference in how you view the world. Your acceptance/defiance when faced with this journey have inspired many. I am in awe and love ya even more.

  2. Judy says:

    I love your positive attitude and totally relate to what you were saying. Sometimes, I’ll find myself looking back at the way I felt and judging it. It happens so much that I realize I’ll probably look back and judge my current mindset, as well. I guess as we grow and change, the present seems to be the set point. The wisdom here is that our future holds surprises and possibly new mindsets! Great post as always, Stacey.

    • inmycorner says:

      Thanks, Judy. Yes. It is tough to not judge yesterday with today’s glasses. I wish that weren’t the case. No matter how clever we are, though, we/ I still do it! grrrr. Future is guaranteed to hold surprises – you are RIGHT!

  3. You are the best Stacey!

  4. Uhm…..I think you should be proud NOW. And through out this entire journey. ❤

  5. Wendy says:

    Hi Stacey. If you remember Western, the Bav Tav, “Dancing on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves, and 4 chicks that became friends in 1982, then would love to hear from you……oh, and I never listen to any song from David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” album without thinking of you….we must have listened to that a 100 times!

    P.s. cancer sucks!!!!

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