Facebook can be cruel.
I have written many stories and posted many posts to facebook. This means that there is a “Here is your Memory” presented to me almost everyday. Since so many of my posts have dealt with cancer, there is a continual reminder of my journey. This is both good and bad. Today’s memory, The Firewall, is no exception to the rule. It was tough to read.
I was naive then. Still, I anticipated the tough road it would be should cancer return. I think I was more anxious about its return then than I am now – fighting cancer for the second time.
I was worrying about something that hadn’t happened. Why did I waste my energy? I almost feel angry at the old me then, knowing what I know now.
Funny how I believed I was living life in the moment, taking advantage of my days, living actively, loving life, appreciating family… I could go on. Now – I see that I was blocking life out. Well, not really life, but a big part of my life: cancer. I currently live WITH cancer. I cannot avoid it. It is and always will be with me. So, why not face it?
Yes, I feel angry when I read The Firewall.
It won’t last. I have things planned for today. And this day, here and now, I feel more realistic. I do not deny my health status. I do not deny how I am feeling. And this includes my neuropathy. The tingling in my hands and feet may or may not subside. I have another round of chemo to go until I get a break from the poison. My hands and feet may or may not get worse. But I decided a couple days ago that I will live anyhow. I will try to become fitter. I will try to eat more healthfully. I will continue to focus on my family. I will set goals. All these things I will do – not to beat cancer – but to prepare for another round of chemo when it is needed. Because it will come. I will not beat cancer – yet – rather, walk with it in my life. It is part of me and until there is a cure, I guess I just have to think of it like the uninvited guest that never left. I can tolerate that.
Three months ago, I would not have had the option of this new set of 18 pills that I am about to experiment with. Three months ago… I would have sat like a lame duck waiting for cancer to come back. Three months ago – I was looking at maybe a four month remission and now… hoping for a year.
And one year from now, when I look back at this memory from Facebook – I don’t want to be angry. I want to be proud of myself. I want to remember how brave I was/ am. I want to love myself for being honest and for facing my real future and now some fake future that is easier to view when cloaked in lies. I do not want to wear the glasses of the future to judge the way I am today. I just want to see. Maybe that’s not going to be easy to do.
Yes. I have cancer. I am BRCA positive. That is a truth that I and my family and friends must face. I am positive. I am hopeful.
I have quality of life. It’s just a different quality than before. It is not better and it is not worse. It’s like comparing apples and oranges. I accept that. I embrace that. I am grateful for everything I have. I do not ask for more. I need to take things as they come.
So – facebook of the future, take that!