Make me a list –

I don’t know what to do with myself today –

I usually make lists –

Lists keep me going –

I know what to do and I have plans and I can do things –

I want to do but I am stuck in this limbo of waiting…

Not sure what I’m waiting for but it seems if I wait something will happen

As my hands tingle with neuropathy.

A list, a list, a list is what I need.  I twitch for a list.

To think – to do – to think – to wait

Oh, good grief.

Day five has blurred into day six

This is day 5 and 8/4…. just not sitting well with me – it is a confusing day to me

So – maybe I have to look at it differently – like a new adventure?

Peter Pan?  Sailor Moon?  A Pokeman explorer?  That would be new for me

Attitude. I need an attitude adjustment.

Frustration.  I need to shed it for a new skin

Anger.  Misguided anger.  My mind buzzes.

Fucking cancer.  Fucking steroids.  They giveth and they taketh away.

Gone.  In an instant the feeling fades.

Rage to calm.  Joy to depression.  I spin.

Breathe.  Spin.  Repeat.

List.

Better?  Yes.  Give me five minutes.  It’ll pass.  Let me capture the feeling while it is here.

Judgment.  Acceptance.  Oh, boy.

A new day has begun and I’ve already lived it five times over.  It’s not even 10 o’clock yet.  Mania?  Me?  I thought that was days 1 – 4?

Welcome to day 5 and 8/4ths

Compelled to do the math?  I’m content to leave it in chaos

No grammar, no rules, no structure… no list today

 

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in depression, mental health, optimism, personal diary. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Make me a list –

  1. Judy says:

    Oh, my – what you are going through sounds awful. Hoping this day turns and stays on a better path. I can sense how “listless” you are!
    Cancer is a horror and your writing allows the reader to join you on this scary ride. Praying it lets you off somewhere peaceful at some point. It sounds sohard to live with the uncertainty.

    • inmycorner says:

      Oh dear – who wants to ride on cancer, Judy? But – I’m happy you are with me on paper – er – e-paper. Feel soo much better tonight. Today and yesterday sucked. But – I can’t help but think how worse it could be — to be without air conditioning and have cancer too??? YUCK!!! No chemo?? Oh dear.

  2. “And it came to pass….” I had a day like that yesterday, too. Should be feeling better and more energetic, but my stomach said, “Blah” to everything until I abandoned all goals and read a story book.

    Waves of heavy rain added to the general lethargy yesterday, too, as it was impossible to go outside. I hope you folks are getting some rain finally. It poured buckets here yesterday afternoon and evening; this morning the rain gauge shows we’ve had 2.8″ and it’s not quitting. Incredible!

    • inmycorner says:

      Well – misery does love company so I guess I was in good company, Christine. Although, that sucks. What book? I looked at some but couldn’t choose a new one today — no clue. We are NOT getting enough rain. Hoping tonight. It is TOO Hot. Can’t get my pulse to go down below 104. Heat? Chemo? Who knows? Glad you are getting rain – enjoy! Hoping tomorrow brings great tidings for you! (not tides)

  3. Stacey, without having a clue what you are going through I feel like your feelings were palpable in this.

    • inmycorner says:

      Shit – I was trying to make them spill out onto the page so good – sorry to “slime” you with them. I tried to shake them off using wriitng – three posts later and still to no avail. So so so glad to be “free” now, Colleen. Ready to prepare for my Ohio bike ride – will begin when the friggin weather abates.

      • Oh no….you didn’t slime me at all. The feelings did spill out. I could feel them.

        I’m excited about you feeling better! And the potential of a bike ride!!!!!

  4. In my prayers – that photo is bleakly beautiful…

  5. Here’s to no lists.

  6. sharechair says:

    Just stopped by to tell you I’m thinking of you …… sending hugs and good vibes.
    🙂 Kathy

  7. Judy says:

    You haven’t written for awhile – just checking in to see how you’re doing and let you know I was thinking of you. Hoping you are feeling better; sensing you have a lot to share when you write again.

    • inmycorner says:

      It’s been a little rough – mentally. Just getting through each day seems to be good enough for now. I’m ready for this chemo to be over, Judy. Thanks for being so thoughtful.

  8. karen markovic says:

    Thinking of you too Stacey! Praying and wishing you feel better!

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