I cannot turn away

I blocked the fear, I turned away

It seemed so simple …. Until today

I feel the pain, I can’t give way

It’s no longer simple … C’est complique

There in my chest the port it lies

A stark reminder I cannot disguise

Another step I must now take

I am still hopeful – I shall not fake

Yet…

Another hurdle I did not expect

I walk the path of no regret

What lies ahead we do not know

We reap the seeds of what we sow?

I blocked the pain, the angst, the fears

I held my breath and shifted gears

Still…

I am still hopeful, I will not fake

The next four chemos – I’ve yet to take

Scare me stiff and leave me scarred

My body is bruised, broken, and marred

Two steps forward and one step back

It seems sometimes, it’s courage I lack

But…

I am not alone, I know You are here

And I cannot live my life in fear

You hold my hand and give me hope

Raw emotions in me You evoke

I pray

I dream

I wish

I believe

I feel the fear – I cannot turn away.

 

 

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in acceptance, Cancer Journey, faith, fear, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to I cannot turn away

  1. Judy says:

    This is so powerful. I have wondered how you have been facing this awful disease. I cannot imagine the fear and you expressed such raw emotion that I am speechless. Sending a hug.

  2. sharechair says:

    Facing four more chemos…. of course you’re scared. You hold it at bay as best you can, but sometimes it just pours over the dikes. You may not think you’re strong, but my goodness…. your strength sure inspires me. One day at a time. ❤

  3. feel for your pain – but I’ve often wondered about that statement ‘we reap the seeds of what we sow’ -don’t think it’s true in this case. I would be afraid as well. Still praying. You inspire all of us.

  4. Ah Stacey…..this got to me.

  5. Beautiful. The strength and courage in your words is plain to see… The honesty of your prose is simply inspiring.

  6. mandibelle16 says:

    Powerful and honest piece. Prayers for you going through your next for rounds of chemo. My friend with cancer, has a port in her chest too. I guess at least, they don’t have to search for a vain every time then. A bit less pain. 🙏🏻💕

  7. laura says:

    you will beat this girl, but it’s good to who your raw feelings once and a while… xoxoxoxo

  8. karen markovic says:

    Moving and powerful…..

  9. April says:

    This touched me so much. We may try hard to turn our backs, but fear is a sneaky rat. Many blessings for strength to get past this.

    • inmycorner says:

      I like you analogy – a sneaky rat. Indeed. Thanks, April. It’s tougher than I had expected. I know it will improve but right now it just seems I’ve added insult to injury.

      • April says:

        I imagine having a port is a huge reminder and makes a little mess of your confidence and power. However, the mind is a power thing. One moment at a time.

      • inmycorner says:

        Yes – or one bowl of soup at a time – is how I’ll take it today. Thank you, April. You are so right.

  10. Gwen says:

    Hugs to you. Feeling fear is one thing, facing the fear head on is courage my friend. You have courage in spades.

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