Just Plain Mad

I started out this morning feeling a little “off” with myself.  I was a little edgy – but not bad.

As the day has progressed though, my desire to do anything has dimmed and I am just plain pissed.  At what?  Nothing.  Not my health.  Not my circumstances.  Not the weather. It is absolutely beautiful.  Only..

I friggin’ wish it would rain!

I wish that townhouse would sell!

I wish I could flipping get a hole drilled into my shower tile which appears to be porcelain and nearly unpenetrable.

I wish I could spell unpenetrable!  But I’m not even going to look it up.  So there!

I wish my feet weren’t so dirty from the garden right now.

I wish my teeth didn’t hurt.

I absolutely wish my guts would get moving.

I don’t have a clue what to do with myself and I can hardly stand to sit idle.

I hate impolite people.  I was not raised in a barn. GRRRRR.

See – I’m just mad.

I need to floss my teeth – that makes me mad.

I need to make my bed – that makes me mad.

I’m mad. Mad. Mad.

I hate plastic bags.  Yup.  One the other hand, they can come in handy.

Oh boy.

I think you will all think I’m rotten to the core.  And really – I think I just need to get rid of my dead cell tissues.  Delightful, eh?

Day 5.  Not depression.  Roid rage!  I think.

Thank GOD I know tomorrow is day 6.  Cuz I hate day 5!

I just wish it would rain.

(At least I worked on the garden and created a lettuce planter!)

About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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17 Responses to Just Plain Mad

  1. mandibelle16 says:

    I don’t know precisely. But sometimes an effect of medications (which you might have to take with cancer?) is agitation. I think that’s what you describe.

  2. Gwen says:

    Yikes. Hope the rage of Day 5 passes quickly for you.

  3. Wendy Insley Saint-Onge says:

    Are you taking Dexamethasone? That will do it for sure. Steroids suck. I used to sit in the bath until the rage passed, when I took them. I once got furious at my daughter because she had to go to the bathroom. Yes, you read that right. Not my proudest moment. In any case, it’s not you, it’s the drugs. I suggest having a sign made up that you can just hold up when you start raging. Possibly followed by another sign that says “fuck off” that you can use for the extra rage-y moments.

    • inmycorner says:

      YES!!!!! And yes they do! I’m so glad to know that it is the drugs for sure and that neither you nor I are going/ went crazy! Ha ha ha – love the sign that you’ve suggested. Oh, my goodness, you just gave me a belly laugh – good on a day like this. I get the feeling you GET this shit. Sorry you had it – but glad we can share!

      • Wendy Insley Saint-Onge says:

        I’m glad you laughed. Good for the sole. I did have cancer but a very brief, minor bout. The Dex I had to take was for a head injury actually, but it made me crazy (ier). My husband had to take it a lot and he hated it. I don’t blame him. I do think your body gets a bit more used to it after awhile though. Although I hope you just get to stop taking the steroids altogether. That would be no e

      • inmycorner says:

        Crazy(ier) ha! Oh, dear. I think crazy these days is good. Yeah – it would be nice to get off the drug train – but what the hell – it keeps me alive now so… bring it on.

  4. Godsfruitful says:

    Hope your day gets better!!! 🤔
    Sometimes when things aren’t going our way and we can’t even begin to find the “new ” direction that we need to take, it can be frustrating …God knows His plan for us and it sure would be easier if He’d show it to us, but that would be walking by sight😛
    Check out my video in walking by faith and not by sight…but of course not today since your comfortably in and bad mood☺️…We all get that way sometimes, just don’t stay in it long 😉🙂🙏🏻🎈

    • inmycorner says:

      I’d like to walk by sight -sometimes – but then again.. maybe not. I love the concept of walking by faith and not sight – you are funny and correct – I won’t check it out today! Off to sleep this bad mood off – and wake up all ready to live again tomorrow! Thanks for being there.

  5. Judy says:

    What a perfect thing to do with your anger – express it. That is much healthier than anything else you can do.
    Even though I can’t imagine what you are feeling, I am sad for you and hope this passes quickly. I don’t know you well, but I am certain this isn’t you and it’s temporary.
    Ps. you have a lot of things you could be very angry about. I’m giving you a huge pass on it. Give it to yourself, please.

    • inmycorner says:

      Ha ha ha – no this is NOT like me. I never get angry so it’s kind of new to me. And I DO worry that people will not understand who I am but what the heck, Judy, it seems I am surrounded by some very compassionate and caring people like you. I will sleep the rest of the day off – in my warm and cozy bed and remind myself to be grateful that I have one! You are sweet – got that hug big time.

      • Judy says:

        I’m so glad – and I loved your ha ha ha. Laughter is a great healer. Honestly, you seem to have a humorous way of seeing through the hellish thing you are going through. How could anyone be angry at flossing? Glad I could give you a hug and keep writing whatever you feel like writing. It’s easy to understand you!

      • inmycorner says:

        Judy – when I look back at yesterday it is like a dream. It’s so different today. Frig. Weird. Laughter is a good healer for sure. My parents were very happy people – maybe that’s where mine comes from. Attitude, as you said earlier, is all. Thanks for reading and responding to my garble!

  6. Damnit then Stacey, I will just be mad WITH you. Grrrrrrr.

    • inmycorner says:

      Ha – ha -ha! Glad to have you on board that grrr train, Colleen. (I’m imaging the doodle that goes along with it and giggling). Kevin is home tonight and I ‘m having him print “my” new doodle for me for the fridge. So nice to be friends with you, Colleen.

  7. karen markovic says:

    I must say your blog post’s stir many emotions up for me too. The one with your conversation with your son made me cry for hour’s. Cancer not only affect’s it’s victim it affect’s family too. Our loved ones suffer along with us. Before my first surgery I lived with my mom and every night before she went to sleep I would lie beside her in bed, hold her hand and talk about our lives together. We would cry and pray! She would always say to me” I am so scared for you. I don’t want you to die” We talked about everything. She was my best friend. Almost two months to the day of my surgery at TGH she just couldn’t take everything and had a heart attack and I lost her. I hate what this thing does to beautiful people and beautiful families. Life is never the same. We all just coast after this. Not long ago I was at the cemetery and a woman was there, we exchanged stories, her husband was buried close to my mom. She was so upset, so upset she said to me”where is the justice… where?” I said there is absolutely no justice at all!!! We just cried and gave each other a hug, someone I never met before. And then I got mad mad mad mad! Why? Because there are people out there that treat life with such contempt, murderer’s rapist’s the list is never ending, and wonderful kind gentle loving hearts with beautiful families suffer like hell. What a life!! I am so sorry for what you are having to go thru…it’s so horrible not to feel well. God you have to feel for people.. if you don’t then your dead inside. Perhaps gardening is feeding your soul….the process of seeing plants grow. I look at it like this…we are like plants and flowers that need water but our water comes from the love and support of family, friends and sometime even strangers. People who are in our lives for a few fleeting moments that shower our hearts with hope, faith and love…. just maybe this is what will allow us to heal. God and love be with you and your family.

    • inmycorner says:

      Dear Karen – I’d like to say that I wished my posts didn’t impact you so much, but I can’t. Even if they hurt you at the time. The things you wrote are so heart-felt and raw. I become closer to you as I read them. I understand who you are and I trust you as you reveal your stories. That – is life. You feel so deeply. You love so deeply. I am so touched by your relationship with your mother. How lucky are/ were we to have this sort of bond between mother and daughter? It takes courage to live – really live. It takes courage to move on and to accept people for who they are. It takes a great deal of courage to care for another human being – for them – not yourself. Your selflessness is very apparent. Thanks for this very beautiful response. With much admiration – Stacey

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