I got up.
I got dressed.
I greeted the dog and gave her her treat.
And decided to go back to bed. No walk this morning.
It wasn’t the nausea. It wasn’t my aching knees. It wasn’t my sore feet, bleeding-nose, or even the night sweats that kept me awake all night. It was depression. My steroids wore off last night – and my body is feeling the effects.
I don’t know how my students did it. So many of them suffered from depression. Silently. Alone. But they managed to get up and out of bed. Some of them had children that needed to be delivered to schools before school. Some (most) had jobs after school. They lived their lives – they worked – they studied – all the while managing to do all of it through the haze of depression.
I remember greeting students at the door and welcoming them into the classroom – even when they were late. I smiled. I tried to accommodate. I listened to them, I encouraged them. I accepted late or incomplete assignments and tried to be a cheer-leader. I heard their stories of how hard their lives were. I sympathized. I even accompanied some of them to the hospital when they needed some intervention. But I didn’t get how profound of an impact depression took. I do now.
It is disabling.
It is demotivating.
It is all encompassing.
I know it is day 5. I know this is temporary. I know day 6 will be better. I just need to get through day 5.
I’m not sure my students could think the same way – this is almost like an “artificial depression”. It is a lesson that I am learning from which I can escape. I am lucky and thankful for that. How horrific it must be to be trapped. How powerful and courageous are those who live with this terrible mental illness for life. Thank God there is medication. Much like my chemo – which has saved me so far – so too do the drugs for mental health.
Today – my goal is to make broccoli soup. It has to be organic. I am craving broccoli. So – that’s what I’ll try to do. One thing.
Day 5.
Day 5 has taught me about depression.
I would be a much better teacher now because of day 5.
In The Corner 
Even though you know that you’ll get past this ….. the “now” is mighty hard. One minute at a time. You are closer now to feeling better than you were when you wrote the post. Hope you were able to put together that broccoli soup.
I DID get that soup! And it was amazing! The Gipsy Kings music helped me… and a dance with my son in the kitchen. Thank-you. I am looking forward to kissing this day good-night.
Hi Stacey –
I’m Brenda, an old friend of Kevin’s from Borden days. You and I met years and years ago (jeez, more than that: Katya was only 3 or 4!) in Cambridge at a BBCI Reunion BBQ hosted by high school friends Kim and Jeff. I wonder if you remember that? I have been following your blog for a while now, and have always wanted to comment but feared you might feel awkward with a virtual internet stranger commenting on your posts.
Of all your posts, this one struck a chord with me the most because for once I can actually relate to what your are experiencing. Depression is a bitch. And I want to send you a big hug and tell you to keep your eye on Day 6.
No real words of wisdom, just a stranger reaching out and hoping you feel better soon.
Hi Brenda – I do remember you. Funny – that was such a long time ago. I am honoured that you would even take time to follow the blog. Thank-you. I am not awkward with comments at all – clearly I am putting everything out there in case it helps someone else – it sure helps me to process. I have made some good friends on this blog – that I’ve actually never yet me. Depression IS a bitch. So sorry that you have had to experience that. Like I said, I admire anyone who can navigate through it. So, bravo, to you. Looking forward to kissing this sucker of a day good-night! grin.
Yay Day 6!!
Stacy I too know how you feel because when I got back from Montreal I felt the same,although mine was due to the operation. Some how you’ll start feeling yourself in time. I just told myself I wasn’t going to let it beat me. And that I still had a lot of living to do.
You are a warrior, Elaine. It takes a lot of courage to keep going, doesn’t it? And a lot of energy. I’m so happy for you that you have seen the other side of this nonsense. I’ll do my very best – honest! Thank-you.
This whole experience I’m sure will have an impact on how you deal with others in the future, whether it is through teaching or just in every day life. You’ve learned SO much about counting your blessings and making each day count.
Yes. Gwen, I have learned. I guess there is always room for more counting. We have been through a lot together – and it may be that we have a lot more on the horizon. makes us better people in the end, eh?
One day at a time Stacey….you can do this !!!!!
THanks, Kathy – I made it through this one! Good night to Day 5!
I have been in depression – and the only thing that gets you through it is continuing to take one small step after another… Blessings
Oh, Maureen – you are so right. I put on the Gipsy Kings CD and danced with my son in the kitchen tonight as I made dinner. Now – saying good night to day 5 and hello to day 6!
I think you are touching a lot of lives
I think you are touching a lot of lives too!
I know my incident does not compare to yours, but it did teach me a little bit more about compassion. I had to take a medication, temporarily. And as a result, I was in a medically induced depression. It was ….horrific. Even knowing “why” I was feeling this way it was a horrid experience. It opened my eyes greatly to the courage and determination and suffering of those who have depression.
As for you, we can all learn from you. You still teach.
❤
Oh – I can only imagine! Why would anyone want to induce that friggin depression/ Doesn’t it open our eyes though? Sometimes not so nice to see – but it is a necessary evil should we ever want to join humanity. Oh, boy, sometimes the challenges, Colleen. Thanks for the support – as always. It was a tough day today to get through – but tomorrow is day 6!
As I read this I know it is now day 6 for you! Eyes open, look around, and smile. ❤
It was such a great day today, Colleen – I was too busy being productive to write a post. grin. I love day 6! Hope it’s not like the manic phase! ha ha
I think Day 6 is your “I’m gonna kick cancer’s ass day, AND any thing else I wanna do day”. 🙂
Ha ha ha – I think you are right! Been busy working lately. (You’ll see from today’s blog) I’m going to rest this Saturday.