Get me through Day 5

I got up.

I got dressed.

I greeted the dog and gave her her treat.

And decided to go back to bed.  No walk this morning.

It wasn’t the nausea.  It wasn’t my aching knees. It wasn’t my sore feet, bleeding-nose, or even the night sweats that kept me awake all night.  It was depression.  My steroids wore off last night – and my body is feeling the effects.

I don’t know how my students did it.  So many of them suffered from depression.  Silently. Alone.  But they managed to get up and out of bed.  Some of them had children that needed to be delivered to schools before school.  Some (most) had jobs after school.  They lived their lives – they worked – they studied – all the while managing to do all of it through the haze of depression.

I remember greeting students at the door and welcoming them into the classroom – even when they were late.  I smiled.  I tried to accommodate. I listened to them, I encouraged them.  I accepted late or incomplete assignments and tried to be a cheer-leader.  I heard their stories of how hard their lives were.  I sympathized.  I even accompanied some of them to the hospital when they needed some intervention.  But I didn’t get how profound of an impact depression took.  I do now.

It is disabling.

It is demotivating.

It is all encompassing.

I know it is day 5.  I know this is temporary.  I know day 6 will be better.  I just need to get through day 5.

I’m not sure my students could think the same way – this is almost like an “artificial depression”.  It is a lesson that I am learning from which I can escape.  I am lucky and thankful for that.  How horrific it must be to be trapped.  How powerful and courageous are those who live with this terrible mental illness for life.  Thank God there is medication.  Much like my chemo – which has saved me so far – so too do the drugs for mental health.

Today – my goal is to make broccoli soup.  It has to be organic.  I am craving broccoli.  So – that’s what I’ll try to do.  One thing.

Day 5.

Day 5 has taught me about depression.

I would be a much better teacher now because of day 5.

About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in acceptance, cancer, depression, mental health, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Get me through Day 5

  1. sharechair says:

    Even though you know that you’ll get past this ….. the “now” is mighty hard. One minute at a time. You are closer now to feeling better than you were when you wrote the post. Hope you were able to put together that broccoli soup.

    • inmycorner says:

      I DID get that soup! And it was amazing! The Gipsy Kings music helped me… and a dance with my son in the kitchen. Thank-you. I am looking forward to kissing this day good-night.

  2. Brenda in Barrie says:

    Hi Stacey –
    I’m Brenda, an old friend of Kevin’s from Borden days. You and I met years and years ago (jeez, more than that: Katya was only 3 or 4!) in Cambridge at a BBCI Reunion BBQ hosted by high school friends Kim and Jeff. I wonder if you remember that? I have been following your blog for a while now, and have always wanted to comment but feared you might feel awkward with a virtual internet stranger commenting on your posts.

    Of all your posts, this one struck a chord with me the most because for once I can actually relate to what your are experiencing. Depression is a bitch. And I want to send you a big hug and tell you to keep your eye on Day 6.

    No real words of wisdom, just a stranger reaching out and hoping you feel better soon.

    • inmycorner says:

      Hi Brenda – I do remember you. Funny – that was such a long time ago. I am honoured that you would even take time to follow the blog. Thank-you. I am not awkward with comments at all – clearly I am putting everything out there in case it helps someone else – it sure helps me to process. I have made some good friends on this blog – that I’ve actually never yet me. Depression IS a bitch. So sorry that you have had to experience that. Like I said, I admire anyone who can navigate through it. So, bravo, to you. Looking forward to kissing this sucker of a day good-night! grin.

  3. elaine warwick says:

    Stacy I too know how you feel because when I got back from Montreal I felt the same,although mine was due to the operation. Some how you’ll start feeling yourself in time. I just told myself I wasn’t going to let it beat me. And that I still had a lot of living to do.

    • inmycorner says:

      You are a warrior, Elaine. It takes a lot of courage to keep going, doesn’t it? And a lot of energy. I’m so happy for you that you have seen the other side of this nonsense. I’ll do my very best – honest! Thank-you.

  4. Gwen says:

    This whole experience I’m sure will have an impact on how you deal with others in the future, whether it is through teaching or just in every day life. You’ve learned SO much about counting your blessings and making each day count.

    • inmycorner says:

      Yes. Gwen, I have learned. I guess there is always room for more counting. We have been through a lot together – and it may be that we have a lot more on the horizon. makes us better people in the end, eh?

  5. Kathy says:

    One day at a time Stacey….you can do this !!!!!

  6. I have been in depression – and the only thing that gets you through it is continuing to take one small step after another… Blessings

  7. I know my incident does not compare to yours, but it did teach me a little bit more about compassion. I had to take a medication, temporarily. And as a result, I was in a medically induced depression. It was ….horrific. Even knowing “why” I was feeling this way it was a horrid experience. It opened my eyes greatly to the courage and determination and suffering of those who have depression.

    As for you, we can all learn from you. You still teach.

    • inmycorner says:

      Oh – I can only imagine! Why would anyone want to induce that friggin depression/ Doesn’t it open our eyes though? Sometimes not so nice to see – but it is a necessary evil should we ever want to join humanity. Oh, boy, sometimes the challenges, Colleen. Thanks for the support – as always. It was a tough day today to get through – but tomorrow is day 6!

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