I felt every one of those 5, 642 steps this morning.  Usually, it goes quickly and Kevin and I are home before we even finish our conversation.  This morning, for some reason, it just dragged on an on.

The dog, Jazz, was happy.  She prances with glee through the open spaces along our walk where she is free to simply run.  Often, she remembers there is a stick somewhere and all of a sudden darts off to retrieve it.  The stick is then offered up as a soggy semi-log which we are expected to “touch” and then “toss”.  If it is really soggy, I give Kevin the honour of picking it up and throwing it so he can wipe the spit off onto his pants.  Lucky guy.

We were later than usual.  I knew we were.  I was hoping that maybe Kevin would get busy at the computer so he’d lose track of time and I could sleep in.  My day is NEVER as productive when I don’t walk, however, so on the other hand I wanted to get out.  By 6:00, there was Kevin with my coffee in hand.  That was that.  Fait accomplis.  We were walking.

7, 330 steps took me through the grocery store where I gather ingredients to make Grandma her cinnamon buns.  She was expecting company and I thought she’d appreciate being able to offer them a bun.  My hair was a mess – but I actually didn’t care – mainly because I still don’t take that I have hair for granted.  It will be gone soon enough.  I’ve asked Ben to shave it off for me this week-end.  Nothing worse than that feeling of long  hair coming out in clumps from your head.  Fuck it.  I’m going to beat the chemo to the punch.  I made the dough, let it rise, and had just rolled it out when the phone rang.  David was not feeling well and asked me to get him from school.  Only a few steps required to get him when travelling in a car – the only distance I walked was where the van couldn’t take me – in and out of the house and in and out of the school.

I got David set and finished the buns.  Grandma was enjoying her first taste when Katya came to present us with her clothing choices for work.  It was 80’s day and she wanted to participate.  I honestly had to think hard about what I used to wear during high school.  Mom always made my clothes and I liked dressing up so I didn’t wear the same clothes as the other kids.  Cyndi Lauper came to mind and I shared my memories of that gal and her antics with Katya.

10, 057 steps got me back home again from dropping the van at Action Tire.  I had decided it may be safe to get the winter tires changed.  Ben came with me and, because Action Tire is so close to home, we walked home.  It is not a nice walk along Ardagh, but it was nice walking with Ben.

So, now, at 12:30, I have already walked more than my required 10,000 steps.  I’d like to think that every step counted as a step further away from cancer.  That would be a good way to think.  I’m not sure if it is the weather or the cancer that is getting me down most – but as far as I walk today, I just cannot seem to shake it off. I’m waiting.  Waiting for Thursday.  The more I walk, the more fit I will get – that’s for sure, but it doesn’t get me closer to being cancer-free.  What weird kind of journey where, no matter the distance, you never seem to get much further ahead.  I know it matters that I walk, eat well, and sleep well.  No matter how much “I” do, however, it is not enough to cure myself.  I need chemo.  And so, I wait – and I walk.  10, 057 steps and counting.


About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in acceptance, activity, adventure, attitude, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to 5,642

  1. Frances and the rest of your BC family says:

    To daughter no. 2

    Altho you are not with us here, you are always close in heart. We travel your journey with you, every step of the way. Love always.

    • inmycorner says:

      Oh, I am so glad to see you on this site, Frances and the rest of my BC family! I wish I could have been there this coming week – but it is something to which I can look forward once I am in remission again. Love, love, love all of you!!!!

  2. Dawna speers says:

    We are thinking about you and praying for you Stacey

  3. I love your courage and positivism – Praying for you every day.

  4. I have to say I like this. For your energy. Your attitude. And your language. 😉

  5. Gwen says:

    Sometimes those journeys that we need to wait to complete seem to take the longest. Waiting can indeed seem like you are spinning your wheels, or in this case your heels. The weather tomorrow may perk up your spirits, it sounds like it should be a lovely day. You guys are always in our thoughts and prayers (as well as our neighbourhood – haha).

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