Kevin and I went for a walk this morning. It has been a long time since we walked, not for lack of trying, but certainly for lack of conviction. This walk was long over-due. I may have been cranky but that I knew the morning would be beautiful and the birds would be singing. I guess I am a sucker for song-birds.
As usual, Kevin brought me my morning coffee. “Good morning, Princess,” was his opener. I used to think that strange. He had never referred to me before as princess, nor am I one. I made fun of him saying that once and so he stopped saying it. I was surprised that I missed it. Happily, the greeting returned after I returned from Qatar. Not sure why, but I’m not going to look that gift-horse in the mouth. After-all, maybe I am a princess? Mom always said we were related to royalty through her Russian side – and waaaaay back in history we are related to William the Conqueror. So – does that justify the title? I don’t know – I don’t care. I just felt happy when I got my crown back. grin.
Coffee down, walking clothes on, winter parka on – and away we went. Jazz was over the moon that she finally got to walk in the morning. Poor thing. She did get walks every once in a while, but not that regular “off-the-leash-and illegally-doing-so” kind of walk that she can have when she is the only dog up so early in the morning.
Sure enough I heard them. Birds. Robins, cardinals, finches… the song-birds were singing. What a delight. What a treat. I enjoyed walking to the music of nature. We were, as they say, one with each other. It sure is odd how one’s motivators can change over the years. I would have NEVER been up out of bed and for a walk early in the morning as a teenager so that I could walk in sync with the birds. I feel like I am becoming, more and more, my mother’s daughter. I thought she was nuts to enjoy nature so much. How could I have missed it?
I am not missing the song now. It is my pacer. It is my life-line. It is my reminder of the circle of life. That is neither good, nor bad. It is a fact of life. How does one learn to live with that notion of beginning and “end”? I am lucky that I have had so much time to process things. I was always grateful that I had had nearly a year and a half to prepare for my Dad’s death. I couldn’t have coped had he passed away right after Mom. In this case, I truly believe God knows best. I grieved Dad’s death before he was gone and lived my time with him fully.
My social worker says that most people with cancer grieve. I guess that is true. I must confess that I was more emotionally distraught before I relapsed than I was during remission. It seems in remission, it is okay to let your guard down and to process the emotions of the events. I think I grieved the loss of my innocence – that life can last forever for me and that I am invincible. I am no longer grieving. At least right now I’m not. I am trying to live. Yes, I have to remind myself often to not think of the past and to not worry about the future. To live in the here and now is the best way for me to live wholly and fully and for my family to live wholly and fully.
I am so very grateful that I spend last week-end with David during his provincial volleyball championships. I was there. We were together. How lucky?
I am so very grateful to be there for Katya as she enters her next phase of adult life. I am here. We are growing in her life together. How lucky?
I am so very grateful to be ready to greet Ben as he comes home from another year at university. We are moving through his education together. I am a part of his life. How lucky that I can be here for him?
I am so very grateful to have Kevin. We are moving through cancer together and facing challenges with open hearts and positive attitudes. We are aging together – maybe not always gracefully, but we are indeed growing old together and making memories to last us our life-time.
The here and now is pretty darned good. It is not perfect. Most of it is perspective. I am so very fortunate to be able to enjoy the positive. I won’t, I cannot, worry about what tomorrow will bring. Today, the sun is out. Today, I feel great. Today, I am here. And this is now.