It has begun. The countdown to month “nine”. Nine months cancer free.
When I was teaching, as is common for most teachers, the night before the beginning of a new year (or new term) I would dream about the next day. Inevitably, I would dream that I had no control over the class. They would not listen to me. They would be disruptive. Something was always wrong. Sometimes, I would forget to wear appropriate clothing – or forget to fix my hair. It was more of a night-mare, really, than a dream. Things did not normally play out the same way in real life – thank goodness!
Last night, rather than having a teaching dream, I dreamed about my doctor’s visit. Yup. Cancer was back. My CA- 125 (the marker protein for ovarian cancer) was 236. It should be below 35. I remember the feeling I had in my dream. I remember thinking I had not yet made the one year – and so could not be treated with the same chemo that helped me in the first place. I do, however, remember feeling confident that the doctors would be able to help me somehow. And I guess that’s a good thing.
Seriously – I have to believe that I will never be in the same position as I was a year ago this day. It “has” to take a while for the cancer to spread enough to be considered stage 4. And it “cannot” happen in three months. Right? I am on the radar now – thank goodness for that.
I would like to think that this dream from last night will have the same outcome as my teaching nightmares – that reality will not play out the same way.
So – fingers crossed. Even though I still have a month to wait. The waiting – has begun.
I need to keep busy. Lest I go crazy.
Last visit I created such a scenario of symptoms in my head that I convinced myself I was full of cancer once again. I was certain of it. And then, when the doctor confirmed my low CA – 125, every symptom disappeared. It had all been in my head. This phenomenon was real. It is good to recall as a reminder to me to continue to think positively.
So – fingers crossed, I booked a flight to Qatar. Yup. That ought to do it. I have the opportunity to travel with my sister-in-law. And why not? I won’t need to cancel. Nope. Why would I? No chemo needed her, right? Right. Now, rather than dreaming of cancer – I need to learn Arabic and all the other cultural components of this country.
Yup. That ought to do it! Grin.