It Has Begun

It has begun.  The countdown to month “nine”.  Nine months cancer free.

When I was teaching, as is common for most teachers, the night before the beginning of a new year (or new term) I would dream about the next day.  Inevitably, I would dream that I had no control over the class.  They would not listen to me.  They would be disruptive.  Something was always wrong.  Sometimes, I would forget to wear appropriate clothing – or forget to fix my hair.  It was more of a night-mare, really, than a dream.  Things did not normally play out the same way in real life – thank goodness!

Last night, rather than having a teaching dream, I dreamed about my doctor’s visit.  Yup.  Cancer was back.  My CA- 125 (the marker protein for ovarian cancer) was 236.  It should be below 35.  I remember the feeling I had in my dream.  I remember thinking I had not yet made the one year – and so could not be treated with the same chemo that helped me in the first place.  I do, however, remember feeling confident that the doctors would be able to help me somehow.  And I guess that’s a good thing.

Seriously – I have to believe that I will never be in the same position as I was a year ago this day.  It “has” to take a while for the cancer to spread enough to be considered stage 4.  And it “cannot” happen in three months.  Right? I am on the radar now – thank goodness for that.

I would like to think that this dream from last night will have the same outcome as my teaching nightmares – that reality will not play out the same way.

So – fingers crossed.  Even though I still have a month to wait.  The waiting – has begun.

I need to keep busy.  Lest I go crazy.

Last visit I created such a scenario of symptoms in my head that I convinced myself I was full of cancer once again.  I was certain of it.  And then, when the doctor confirmed my low CA – 125, every symptom disappeared.  It had all been in my head.  This phenomenon was real.  It is good to recall as a reminder to me to continue to think positively.

So – fingers crossed, I booked a flight to Qatar.  Yup.  That ought to do it.  I have the opportunity to travel with my sister-in-law.  And why not?  I won’t need to cancel.  Nope.  Why would I?  No chemo needed her, right?  Right.  Now, rather than dreaming of cancer – I need to learn Arabic and all the other cultural components of this country.

Yup.  That ought to do it! Grin.

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in acceptance, activity, adventure, cancer, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to It Has Begun

  1. Gallivanta says:

    Qatar? That has certainly distracted me. What an exciting trip to look forward to.

  2. 9 Months. Congratulations!

  3. Jan says:

    If your healthful radiance and energy levels evident during our visit on Thursday morning were any indication of wellness, Stacey, I think you might want to postpone the worry & nightmares
    until just before your next milestone visit with the docs….one year!!

    • inmycorner says:

      Ha – Jan – thank you. I do, though, wonder if it is safe for you to still be driving – considering that your eyesight may be fading. Grin. Healthful radiance? Energy is returning yes. Too funny you are referring to my vacuuming session! Fingers crossed for no more nightmares.

  4. April says:

    I can so empathize with you on this one. Nine months–woo hoo! That’s something to celebrate!

  5. pixieannie says:

    You inspirational woman…..with attitude and dreams. This is what I like to hear. A journey to a foreign land. I’m so excited.

    • inmycorner says:

      Well – I guess I do “inhale” and in that capacity I do inspire. Grin. You are too kind. And, a foreign land sounds pretty exciting to me too. Cancer is one thing, -but Qatar is something else!

  6. spearfruit says:

    Congrats on your 9 months! Hope your day is a happy one! 🙂

  7. I know exactly what you mean: cancer is a roller coaster of ups and downs. “Recovery” doesn’t let you off for a good while, either. And waiting to hear the latest blood test results — or getting to and through the next appointment — can be an agony.
    All the best on your trip. 🙂

    • inmycorner says:

      You are so right with that description! And recovery does not let you get off. Such insight. Thanks for giving me the words, Christine. Glad to have you as a mentor.

  8. sharechair says:

    Wow …. that is some trip!! Oh my goodness. What made you choose this exotic location? The most “unique” place I’ve ever been is St Petersburg, Russia. Your trip intrigues me!!!
    Good to have a distraction from your countdown, too. 🙂

    • inmycorner says:

      Yes – well, my sister-in-law has been asked to teach there for a day. She invited me to go. Otherwise, yes, why indeed would I have chosen this location? I would have loved to go to Russia – probably other places I would have chosen first but on this occasion I have lodging for free .. so… Why not? And total distraction!

  9. hooklineandinkwell says:

    Enjoy the trip and distraction of appointments to come…blessings to you and your inspiration!

  10. M Hefkey says:

    I know about the dreams for the first day of a semester but I cannot imagine how it must be to be dreaming about recurring cancer and how frightening that must be for you. However, I wanted you to know that I still think about you often and pray for the very best outcome (not that I am a very religious person as you know, but perhaps someone is listening when I do this). So happy to hear that you are going to travel. Happy adventure Stacey! Take care.

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