“I’m off to write my blog,” I explained to my 12 year-old David this morning. He had risen good and early to capture every moment of his two-week vacation from homework and volleyball practices.
“Will you read it to me when you are done?” he inquired.
“Sure, David”, I replied with hesitation. I had no idea what I would write about. All of a sudden – there was pressure. What would I write about anyhow? What would David benefit from reading? Was I, all of a sudden, changing the purpose of my blog? All along, it had been a form of therapy for me – it allowed me to clear my head. It forced me into silent reflection where I found appreciation for my life – and joy in affirming things I valued.
We gave each other a little peck on the cheek – the way the French oft’ do: first one cheek, then the other. Off I went to find the quiet seclusion of my room where my thoughts were free to roam about and meander without guard. This morning, they were a little more cautious to appear. Did they know they were going to have an audience? Could it be that my thoughts had a touch of stage fright?
Not knowing who will read this blog post allows me to express myself freely. I write for no one but myself. I assume no one will read what I write. In fact, I am always quite shocked to see that “someone” has in fact read these lines. I mean, why would anyone taken an interest in the ramblings of mad woman? I don’t have any particular skill – I don’t have any particular reputation. In fact, I don’t even remember half the time how to use correct punctuation – especially when it comes to commas and quotations. Who remembers that stuff? Really? I think I used to teach it, though. Maybe one day, I ‘ll go over my lesson plans and re-learn that stuff.
And so – this morning – as my fingers touched the keyboard, they froze. The stage fright mind issued a warning to my fingers: “Approach with caution. Readers’ crossing”. Having looked both ways and seeing the way was clear, they began moving slowing to accelerate over the words that were chugging and spewing from within. What to write? I was getting warmed up. Who to appeal to? First gear. What does it feel like to know you have an interested reader? Shifting to second gear. What do you want your reader to know? Whizzing into third. “There it is!” I thought. “Write like no one is watching!”
Write like no one is watching – to heck with the words. Just write. Yup. Simple.
Stage fright. The show has been cancelled. This blog is a private performance only – for an undisclosed audience. I do not write to teach, to preach, or to offer solace to anyone. I do not write to inspire, to uplift, or to cause controversy. I do not write to connect, to reject, or to inspect. I DO, however, write to force myself to grow as a person, to embrace the things I have been given, to appreciate the gifts the days have brought and the gifts the days will bring. It is up to the reader to take from this what he/she may – as it is up to me to take from my life what I may.
I write like no one is reading. And in that way – I have no stage fright and my mind may wander freely, uninhibited, and unrestrained. There is no performance, no mask, no script. My words are unencumbered by expectation and my truth may dance freely across the page.