Why do I write?

“I’m off to write my blog,” I explained to my 12 year-old David this morning.  He had risen good and early to capture every moment of his two-week vacation from homework and volleyball practices.

“Will you read it to me when you are done?” he inquired.

“Sure, David”, I replied with hesitation.  I had no idea what I would write about.  All of a sudden – there was pressure.  What would I write about anyhow?  What would David benefit from reading?  Was I, all of a sudden, changing the purpose of my blog?  All along, it had been a form of therapy for me – it allowed me to clear my head.  It forced me into silent reflection where I found appreciation for my life – and joy in affirming things I valued.

We gave each other a little peck on the cheek – the way the French oft’ do:  first one cheek, then the other.  Off I went to find the quiet seclusion of my room where my thoughts were free to roam about and meander without guard.  This morning, they were a little more cautious to appear.  Did they know they were going to have an audience?  Could it be that my thoughts had a touch of stage fright?

Not knowing who will read this blog post allows me to express myself freely.  I write for no one but myself.  I assume no one will read what I write.  In fact, I am always quite shocked to see that “someone” has in fact read these lines.  I mean, why would anyone taken an interest in the ramblings of mad woman?  I don’t have any particular skill – I don’t have any particular reputation.  In fact, I don’t even remember half the time how to use correct punctuation – especially when it comes to commas and quotations.  Who remembers that stuff?  Really?  I think I used to teach it, though.  Maybe one day, I ‘ll go over my lesson plans and re-learn that stuff.

And so – this morning – as my fingers touched the keyboard, they froze.  The stage fright mind issued a warning to my fingers: “Approach with caution.  Readers’ crossing”.  Having looked both ways and seeing the way was clear, they began moving slowing to accelerate over the words that were chugging and spewing from within.  What to write?  I was getting warmed up.  Who to appeal to?  First gear.  What does it feel like to know you have an interested reader?  Shifting to second gear.  What do you want your reader to know?  Whizzing into third.  “There it is!”  I thought.  “Write like no one is watching!”

Write like no one is watching – to heck with the words.  Just write. Yup.  Simple.

I think.

I thought.

Nope.

Not working.

Stage fright.  The show has been cancelled.  This blog is a private performance only – for an undisclosed audience.  I do not write to teach, to preach, or to offer solace to anyone.  I do not write to inspire, to uplift, or to cause controversy.   I do not write to connect, to reject, or to inspect.  I DO, however, write to force myself to grow as a person, to embrace the things I have been given, to appreciate the gifts the days have brought and the gifts the days will bring.  It is up to the reader to take from this what he/she may – as it is up to me to take from my life what I may.

I write like no one is reading.  And in that way – I have no stage fright and my mind may wander freely, uninhibited, and unrestrained.  There is no performance, no mask, no script.  My words are unencumbered by expectation and my truth may dance freely across the page.

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in acceptance, appreciation, attitude, blog world, peace, personal diary, philosophy and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Why do I write?

  1. pixieannie says:

    Stacey, I love the analogies that you used. Perfect. Heck, you sure do write pretty darned good in my opinion. Whenever I see your name pop up with a new post, I make sure I’m comfortable and then savour every word. God, hope that doesn’t sound stalker like? I think you know what I mean though, Stacey.

    I am much the same as you. I write when the words flow freely. If I’m pressured or asked then everything seems to go on strike. We are free spirits at the end of the day.

    As long as you are writing, I am reading what you are writing and loving every word.

    x

    • inmycorner says:

      Annie – so glad you like my analogies — and my posts. (surprised – she says in her head) . Ha – never a stalker – admirerer? (I perfer!) I know, right (or write?) Words have to flow freely — hate pressure. And indeed – you are so free spirited! I love your posts too! And I am so appreciative that you read what I write (she says in a heart-felt way and yet, totally surprised). With much gratitude! Stacey

      • pixieannie says:

        Stacey. I said in one of my recent posts (I sort of nominated you for an award but you don’t have to do anything with it) that you underestimate your capabilities. You are talented beyond belief. You write from the heart….that’s as pure as it comes.

      • inmycorner says:

        Oh, Annie – you are so very sweet … glad you enjoy what I write. Really. Very appreciative that you take time to comment so honestly. Thank you for that nomination (and I don’t really know how to navigate through those awards – you are right! grin) but totally unnecessary. You are such a great cheer-leader, my dear. Glad to have you on my side – and you have some incredible talent too, you know! Talk about heart-felt posts! Bravo!

      • pixieannie says:

        Thank you, Stacey. Those awards are there should you wish to use them to your advantage or to waffle away about nonsense and wonder. If you decide you want to do it and need help, look no further. I’m your woman. A cheer-leader….that’s a first and how awesome. I feel like a little bit of a broken one at this moment in time. With some food in my tummy and a hot pack on my knee, I’ll be right as rain or some such. Love, as always.

  2. Yes, and that is what is all about…

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