This is what it feels like to have (had) cancer…

The sun may shine and the kids may play – you may hear laughter, song, and you may dance..

BUT

I will always be with you

You will think of me with every stitch you get in your side

I own your thoughts – I own your actions

Fight as hard as you may – you will not ever be free

You will think of me every time your intestines change.   Maybe I’ll free them – maybe I’ll constipate them as I constipate your thoughts

BUT

Maybe I won’t – you will not know

I own your thoughts – I own your actions

Smile, Stacey, and carry on.  I know you cannot ignore me

You will think of me should you ever have a spasm.  It doesn’t matter where: your back, your abdomen, your arm – even places where you no longer have parts

I own you.

Walk away, run away, swim away. I will find you.  I am never far.  You will feel my presence every day, every hour, every moment… every time I touch you.

Do your crunches, do your “steps”, take your walks, ride your bike – I’ll find you.  I am not far.  I’ll go with you.  I’ll make you say my name.  I’ll be in your dreams.  I’ll be in your prayers.  I’ll change the way you talk, the way you eat, the way you think.  You cannot “crunch” me away.  You cannot walk me away.  You cannot escape me.

When you are alone… you are mine

When you with others … you are mine

How do you feel?  Fine?  Great?  Amazing?  Scared?  Scarred?  Your words do not mask me.  You cannot stuff me inside you for long as I will come out with fire and brimstone.  Don’t deny me.  Don’t talk about me.  Don’t obsess about me.

Balance?  Ha!  You will not.

There will be days … that you feel you have left me behind.  You are strong.  I know.  You are positive.  I know.  You have found some balance.  I know.

BUT

You will slip.  Some days – you will slip.  You will crack and reveal that you have never left me – nor I you.  We are one.  Live with me.  I am yours and you are mine.  Do NOT let anyone get too close – they will run.  Don’t talk too much – they will run.  I will spill into everyone’s life that you touch.  I will love who you love.  I will enter into anyone’s life that you do.  I will go to work with you, I will be with you play.  You do not walk alone, without me, EVER.

You may run – but you cannot hide.

You will remember me.

On November 11 – while you are remembering your war heroes, your Dad, your Grandfather, your Mom – I will remind you of me.

I will always be with you.

You will remember me.

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in cancer, life, obsessions, personal journal, relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to This is what it feels like to have (had) cancer…

  1. Gwen K. says:

    Your thoughts are real and you can’t hide yourself from your reality, Just know that you and your family are not far from our daily thoughts and prayers too. Love to all.

  2. pixieannie says:

    There’s such a fear of the unknown here. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling. The ‘not knowing’ can be crippling, I’m sure. Keep on writing and sharing, it is healing for you, your family and all those who love and adore you. This must have taken a huge amount of bravery and guts. Much love. Annie x

    • inmycorner says:

      Yes. I do fear the unknown. I guess we all do – it’s just that I didn’t use to believe that the unknown would ever play such a significant role in my life, Annie. I think it was much more difficult for my family and friends than it was for me while I was receiving treatment. I think remission has been the most difficult part so far. odd, eh?

      • pixieannie says:

        No, not odd at all. I know from the standpoint of being a daughter with both parents having had terminal brain tumours that it was the pain of watching and waiting; knowing what was going to happen and watching as they both became like babies again. The end was much easier and I’m sure that sounds odd but it was a relief. I can understand the ‘not knowing’ as they still can’t say if there’s a chance that we, as children, will have a greater risk. Take one day at a time. You knew what you were dealing with before, Stacey. Now…. there’s uncertainty.

      • inmycorner says:

        I guess that’s moving in the right direction, Annie. Wow –you have been through a lot yourself. What a challenge for you and your family. I am so sorry. And I get that the end – was a relief. Bravo to you dear girl for being so strong yourself. Shall see what happens after this appointment on the 11th. Holding my breath until then.

      • pixieannie says:

        I am happy in the knowledge that I did everything that I could to make their last days as comfortable as possible and to remain my smiley, happy self; full of bounce, silliness and colour.

        Please do let me know what happens. I shall be thinking of you as always.

  3. the future is an unknown for most of us, and we just need to live day to day…

  4. Helen Veltkamp says:

    I think of you often and the struggle you and your family have had this past year. We don’t know why things happen but what you have taught us this year, it greater than any class we could have been in. We rejoice in your health and look forward to what God has planned for your life. You have great things to do and your blog has helped many put their lives into perspective. Thank you for sharing….

    • inmycorner says:

      You are kind, Helen. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I do so hope there are things yet to come for all of us. Yesterday I allowed myself to indulge in the darkness – today – is light. I hoped those who wanted more insight would have been able to get it. Time to rise up and above once again.

  5. sharechair says:

    powerful thoughts. The only way to fight back is to constantly bring yourself to the present. Mindfulness. Now. This moment.

    • inmycorner says:

      Yes – you are so right. Yesterday was a weak day and I totally gave into the darkness. I chose to do that – hoping that it may allow others to gain more insight into the battle. Today – I am up on my feet once more – being more mindful! Thank you!

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