Most days are great. I am alive. I am lucky to be alive. Most days are gifts.
On the odd day, like today, however… I struggle to be grateful. I don’t know why. It just hits me. I am hit with a weight that bottoms me out, gives me despair, leads me astray… wondering… about … everything.
Then the guilt hits. How can I be so ungrateful? This day has been delivered to me complete with a ribbon of sunshine wrapped around it. It is glorious. I should be shouting from the rooftops. I should be biking, hiking, walking. Yet – I can’t seem to get up and out of bed without an effort. I’m not tired. I’m just tired. What?
I think of cancer everyday. I know I ought not to – there is no sense in worrying. I don’t talk about it every day because I don’t even want to admit that I think about it. Every pain, every cough, every sore spot on my body… is “cancer”. It must be. How can I be cancer free? It is impossible. I have to stop myself from my imagination. It would run rampant if I let it. So – I suppress it. I hold it down. I control it. I discipline it. That makes me tired. It is so much easier to believe I am still ill than to fight that belief.
All along, I have written this blog as honestly as I can. Today is no exception to the rule. I won’t stay in this funk forever. I will fight it. You know I will. Yet, I feel compelled to spill my inner thoughts of this moment – right now. To remember. To help others. To help myself. In case anyone else feels the same way I do right now. In case I forget that there are days when life is glorious outside yet dark inside. I am living an irony. I hear the birds singing and I feel blue. What? I see the green leaves glisten in the sun and I ignore them. I am not myself today.
Still, I will get up. Today Kevin and I are going apple-picking. I know it will be fun. I imagine what the apples will feel like, smell like, and taste like…? There – outside – I will be assaulted by nature. I will have no choice but to succumb to its uplifting glory. I don’t have the strength to fight it. Good. This is one time my weakness will be my saving grace.
Tis the season.
Most days, I look forward. Most days are good days.
Maybe I am reflecting too much on the anniversaries of the past year’s events? It is difficult to “go there” to last year. Yet, I feel drawn in. I need to reflect so that I can appreciate where I am. Where we all are.