The firewall is down. I am exposed. Today, I meet with the doctor for my 3 – month follow up. And I feel like I am walking on broken glass.
I wonder if that’s a bad thing? It is so easy to forget that I live a gift. I can so easily get carried away and make long-term plans, dream about the future, push myself to reach a goal. I don’t want to ever lose the feeling of gratitude for the day itself. I don’t want to get lost in tomorrow.
Yet, I have to admit, I am frightened. I do have a healthy fear of the unknown. I know how I am feeling right now. I am happy. I am content. I can breathe easily – literally. How will I feel after my check-up? Nothing? Sad? Panicked? Will that meeting take my breathe away – figuratively?
I am awake to my life – knowing that this day will define how I will live for the next three months until the next check-up. Is that so bad to live three – months at a time? I leave to take Ben back to school on the 23rd. I’d like to be stable then. I’d like to have processed through this “analysis” of my “condition”.
I know that there is likely not much that will happen. It has only been three months. Yet, my mind races; do I have any other disease triggered by the chemo itself? How is my heart? How are my lungs? How about a different kind of cancer? Possible.
I am more filled with questions than answers today – is that a bad thing?
No one has the answers. It is all perspective. This I know. I wish, though, that I had a few answers. Maybe that’s what is more difficult is living with an answer – deficit. During my chemo treatments, I remember I was so much more anxious the day before chemo than actually during chemo. I “dealt” with whatever chemo side-effects came my way. (I MUST add – I dealt with it with the help of my community of family and friends)
I will know more shortly. Will that knowledge change me? How will my life be impacted? It will change even if I am given the “all clear” for now.
What if I’m not given the “all clear”?
“Stacey, enjoy the day. It is a gift. You are lucky. Don’t ask for too much.” I keep reminding myself. Are those words really mine – they sound an awful like my Mom’s – or maybe my Dad’s. Are they with me? It is comforting to think that my parents are still around looking after me in a way no others can. They always were very wise — and I need some wisdom right now.
It seems that being “lost” is a common sentiment. My daughter, recently returned from Europe, came home with a tattoo of a compass rose on her back and the works, “Lost in the right direction”. I seem to be lost in the world of the future – lost in tomorrow. Maybe I need to focus on “found in today”? Together, I suppose we are lost and found?
And so – on that note, I close this post. My hunger seems to have grounded me to the moment. Maybe now I’m more lost and ground(ed) by my own biology? Rather than being consumed by the future – I will be the one consuming!