I Just Can’t Get it Out of My Mind

It was three months ago today – my last chemo treatment.

I want to forget – but I also want to remember.

I am tired.

Weird.  I’ve had lots of energy lately – but today, I just want to rest.  Well, I need to rest.

I guess it makes sense that I’m tired.  I guess three months is not enough time for a body to be fully recovered from losing a spleen, 1/3 liver, a debulking of an abdomen (50 cysts removed), and a total hysterectomy.  Plus — the side-effects of eight rounds of chemo.  Plus – I am stressing over the aches and pains I occasionally feel.  I don’t want to stress – but I do.

I just can’t seem to get it out of my mind.  I know I have to in order to live again.  This is almost a tougher battle than fighting cancer itself.  Although, I guess it’s the same battle.

The worst part is the fatigue.  When I am too tired to “do” I think, nay, perseverate, about “why” I’m so tired.  When I’m not tired, I get lost in “doing”.   That’s much better.  But then again, doing too much stops quiet reflection.  And I like reflection – it grounds me – helps me to appreciate what I have.

Ah carumba!

The worst: Kevin is on holidays.  And I’m resting.  We should be doing.

Maybe tomorrow.  At least I believe I have a tomorrow – and that — is a gift that I am happy to not get out of my mind!

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in cancer, fitness and health, journal, learning, life, recovery and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I Just Can’t Get it Out of My Mind

  1. Maureen says:

    sounds like post traumatic stress disorder – just takes time… Blessings

  2. Rest well Stacey. You have much life to live and do. 🙂

  3. Gwen K says:

    “Just keep swimming” my friend.

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