It was three months ago today – my last chemo treatment.
I want to forget – but I also want to remember.
I am tired.
Weird. I’ve had lots of energy lately – but today, I just want to rest. Well, I need to rest.
I guess it makes sense that I’m tired. I guess three months is not enough time for a body to be fully recovered from losing a spleen, 1/3 liver, a debulking of an abdomen (50 cysts removed), and a total hysterectomy. Plus — the side-effects of eight rounds of chemo. Plus – I am stressing over the aches and pains I occasionally feel. I don’t want to stress – but I do.
I just can’t seem to get it out of my mind. I know I have to in order to live again. This is almost a tougher battle than fighting cancer itself. Although, I guess it’s the same battle.
The worst part is the fatigue. When I am too tired to “do” I think, nay, perseverate, about “why” I’m so tired. When I’m not tired, I get lost in “doing”. That’s much better. But then again, doing too much stops quiet reflection. And I like reflection – it grounds me – helps me to appreciate what I have.
The worst: Kevin is on holidays. And I’m resting. We should be doing.
Maybe tomorrow. At least I believe I have a tomorrow – and that — is a gift that I am happy to not get out of my mind!