Just under my skin…

Just under my skin lies a fear, a dread, that something awful is going to happen.

I took a shower to relieve a sore shoulder muscle

And out crawled the memory of the showers I took to relieve pain.

I didn’t think I had held onto those memories

In fact, I’ve worked hard to put them away.

It was a dark time, if the truth be known.

With many long nights

And much fear and prayer.

I let my guard down – just for a moment – to indulge my aching shoulder.

Cancer gripped me once again – at least the shadow of cancer

It lingered and awaited.

Surprise! ย Not gone. ย Well, gone – but not forgotten.

The body has seemed to heal more quickly than the mind

Which plays tricks – nasty tricks – selecting a perfect time of vulnerability.

Just under my skin lays the memory

Brought to the surface with the mere trickle of hot water.

That dread – that something awful may happen –

It stifles me and defies me to break free.

Sadness and fear – I must push them back in order to live

One apple spills the cart

There is much work yet to be done – and much life yet to live.

But now I know what I need to face – just under my skin.

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in cancer, journal, life, Poetry and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Just under my skin…

  1. Gwen says:

    Ah man. That is a hard ghost to put to rest, especially when you have wrestled it before. Just try to keep in mind you had it in a good headlock before you held it down in a pin to 10. (Okay, not sure I have the correct terms, my knowledge of wrestling is nestled in memories of my dad watching wrestling on Saturday afternoons – haha).

  2. kiwiskan says:

    Not surprising. I had some twinges on my walk today, and was scared by the specter of degeneration… Mostly I ignore growing old, but sometimes it catches up.

  3. This makes so much sense Stacey. As you wrote about your showers to relieve the pain I immediately recalled the feeling of reading the posts about that. And I thought….it wasn’t that long ago! Yet it seems soooooooo long ago. How do ‘eras’ end? By a day? A week? A year? But they do don’t they? And that era, having ended, and this one having started….they are still connected. If they feel so connected to someone who has only read your words, I can only imagine the connection for you the life!!! Hurrah!!! for this life and so much more to do with it!!

    • inmycorner says:

      Ha – you really do jump into what you read, Colleen. And yes – so long ago – but so short. Funny how that time is so oddly fleeting one minute. Glad and sad you connected – don’t wish that feeling upon anyone else. In any case – yes – hurrah for this life! Still look at your picture on my fridge and explain its significance to anyone and everyone who asks.

      • You just made my day Stacey. ๐Ÿ™‚ No worries that I connected, it’s because you wrote it so well. That is a very good thing. To be able to put in to words something YOU feel, that someone else can get a sense of through your words….. amazing. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Gallivanta says:

    Memories can be tricky beasts. Hopefully over time you will remember first the good feelings associated with showers.

  5. I understand this and empathize with you. We try to put these fears away, but we are only human and memory is stronger than we think.

  6. Dawna says:

    Fear is the oldest power of control and fear is found in the unknown. I remember quoting that fact and living it many, many times. I now try, with all my might, to look forward and not back as I would like to take control and not let the fear control me. I now try to live in the present and enjoy every minute that I have left on this earth.

  7. Tom Graves says:

    “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind!”
    II Timothy 1:7.

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