Which one do I choose?
If I choose to walk – then I am a walker.
If I choose to not walk – then I need one.
Is it is a choice?
Is it not a choice?
Walking used to bring me to a better level of fitness
Now, it seems, walking hurts my fitness.
I used to benefit from a good, stiff work-out as my muscles responded to exercise in a good way.
Now, I do myself damage by a good stiff work-out.
At what point does one admit the need for a walker?
I still am of the opinion that exercise can cure all – it always did before. I always recovered.
Mom never wanted to use a walker as she thought she didn’t need it. She thought her body would “recover”. I saw it as the next step – that age prevented her from ever recovering.
Will I ever recover? Will I need a walker? I refuse to think so. Is that what keeps me trying to do more, to get better, to get back to normal? Is that what kept Mom going – her refusal to think she would not get better?
Perhaps that would have been a better attitude to support – to discourage the use of a walker? In that way, maybe it would have encouraged her to maintain her attitude towards healing and living.
I don’t want a walker – or a hand-capped sticker. I will recover. If I get a sticker, I feel like it is an admission of defeat. Yes, I know that’s crazy. I know it is foolish. I know what I used to tell my Mom. “It is just in case – it is part of your healing.” Hog wash. It isn’t. It is an obstacle of the mind. I am too young. I am too healthy. I am too arrogant and proud….
I get it. I finally get it.
But – the thinking is flawed. I know it is. I feel my heart sink, however, at the thought of not being able to walk easily again. It cannot be. It has to be temporary. Right?
Admit defeat? Never.
I’ll try again tomorrow.