Don’t blink!

I woke up feeling anxious this morning.  I’m not sure why.  I looked outside for clues – but the only thing I saw were the leaves on the trees.

And then I saw the leaves on the trees.  Yup.  There they were.  When did they erupt?  How did I not notice?  Honestly, in the blink of an eye – they went from buds to full leaves.  They were there – soaking in the sun.  Today – they are resilient against the wind that has blown in over night.

It had been such a kind and gentle day yesterday.  The pace seemed slow – I was even slower.  It was to be, however, the pinnacle – the turn-pike, the u-turn preparing me for today.

Today – it is cooler.  I feel lost.  I am sick for the first time since I started taking care of my health to prepare for my battle against cancer.  I’m not worried about being sick – I’m worried about not being able to recover.  It is now that a cold is unfamiliar territory and I wonder how “life” will be without a spleen to help me.  I don’t know how well my immune system has recovered.  There are just so many unknowns.  I feel uncomfortable.

Today – is the last day before my daughter leaves for two months in Europe.  I think I have just about realized that she is an adult.  I know I need to let go.  She, like the leaves, seemed to be just a “bud” only yesterday and in the blink of an eye is facing the harsh winds of change that may challenge her.  How is it possible?  I have tried, all of her life, to help her grow – I’ve plucked out the weeds in her life in an effort to allow her to reach the sunshine and thrive.  There comes a time, I guess, when the gardener must step back and say, this is a job well done.  I am struggling now that she has grown.  Life has zoomed by. I am shocked by the leaves.

Today – I must open my eyes and not blink.

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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16 Responses to Don’t blink!

  1. Gallivanta says:

    A big adventure for both of you. But how wonderful your daughter has grown so beautifully and is ready to branch out on her European tour. 🙂

  2. It’s that blinking that gets us Stacey. We don’t realize we are doing it and we miss it. Safe travels to your daughter! Happy travels to her adventures!

    (I hope you feel better!)

    • inmycorner says:

      Indeed! How can a blink go by un-noticed? HOw can one be so unconscious I wonder? ANyhow – I guess blinking allows us to process so — voila. Thanks for the well wishes to my daughter. Tomorrow will be a tough day!

      • You can do it Stacey! I am pretty positive that you’re past year has given her the courage and strength to go out and stretch her limits and see this world. As tough as it will be…I know you will be proud of her too. ❤

      • inmycorner says:

        Oh – you know I’ll be proud. What an adventure. It will be a fantastic experience for her and she deserves it! sigh. (think positive, think positive…)

      • And how are you doing today???? 🙂 Think positive! I know you are! You are the epitome of working through and thinking positive! I can’t wait for the wonderful things she shares with you.

      • inmycorner says:

        Oh, much better – but I think my “stint” was a reminder that I am still needing to stay away from crowds. You are too kind, Colleen. I haven’t had a lot of staying power mentally to read – hoping that will return soon. So far, Katya spent two hours looking for her hostel (which only opened a week ago so no one in Portugal was familiar with it – freak out! Turns out it is beautiful and she was standing right beside it!) And today she has some health issues too. Hoping things will look up – I’m confident they will – just doing that mother – worry things.

      • That’s your right Stacey. The mother worry thing will always be there. 😉 And for heavens sake….you are are still super fresh in to this healing part of your journey. It’s no wonder your still trying to remember all you have to do to keep everyone else’s germiness away from you!

      • inmycorner says:

        Ha – yes! I forget I am early in the healing! It seems like I have had to have been healing for 9 months now – long enough duration to give birth to a new life by now! grin.

      • Oh …. well, you HAVE just given birth to new life haven’t you. What a great way to look at it!

      • inmycorner says:

        Yup. THat allows me to cry like a baby at times! grin.

      • No more can you claim chemo brain. You are too daggone witty for me! 😉

      • inmycorner says:

        Ha! That’ll be the day! And I will claim chemo brain as it makes for a very good excuse when I forget things (in my old age) as I’d rather play the chemo card than the old age card. grin.

  3. kiwiskan says:

    I never thought it would happen, but when my last child flew the nest I grieved! Seems it’s a pretty natural reaction. Hope your day has improved…

    • inmycorner says:

      I should be getting more familiar with that process by now! GIve my head a shake – almost like every month there was a period – and I’d neglect the signs. grin.

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