I did it! I got out of bed and went downstairs this morning! Of course, I’m not sure I could have done it without Kevin and his invitation to our morning coffee.
It has been a very long three days of not feeling well – and not eating.
I have been so fortunate to have escaped the typical chemo bullet – until this last round. Ugh! Utterly awful. I guess now I can appreciate what I have missed and appreciate more the plight of others who were not so fortunate in their reaction to chemo. Not being able to eat was the worst. I had a metallic taste in my mouth which turned my stomach. It was tough to even keep water in. Still, only a couple bouts of vomiting is not bad when I think of others who are continual through weeks.
Funny how the pattern the street-light cast though my curtain and onto the ceiling irritated me last night. I think the mental trauma was almost worse than the physical. But – I’ll hold judgement on that. I was so terribly depressed this time around. What a struggle it was to see the sun, although it was a beautiful day. I found it difficult to be with people, but equally difficult to be away from them. It was truthfully, “ugh”!
But – today – today – is a brilliant day. Thank God the sun rises each morning. And thank God the sun is out
I tentatively sipped the coffee Kevin prepared for me this morning and when all seemed well, I took a gulp. Beautiful! It was like the elixir of the Gods. Simple coffee. Oh, how wonderful it would be to experience that same “newness” and appreciation every time we ate, drank, breathed, walked…. we with someone we loved.
How lovely it is to be alive. Deprivation seems to be a very good teacher.
After my coffee, I didn’t stop consuming. I was on a toll. There was the bagel! I was tentative again. It was difficult to decide if it was a good choice since I cannot eat a bagel without a slice of tomato and onion. Would the onion sit well? I wasn’t hungry – just knew I should eat. I toasted it, added a slice of fresh tomato and a think slice of white onion and mayonnaise and I ate it! I ate it one half at a time. Delicious! Oh, to not taste metal! Oh, to enjoy eating again! Oh, food – glorious food!
While writing today’s poast (pun on post because I am now all about food!) I was struck with a memory of when Dad lost his appetite as he neared his final days. He just didn’t want to eat. I just didn’t understand. How can you not want to eat? He said he was just not hungry. I cooked for him using the same recipes as Mom, desperately trying to tweak his appetite – but it was to no avail. He had lost his desire to eat. How sad – now I think of it. I made him his favorites: lobster, head-cheese (yuck), and liver (another yuck) and onions. Never mind what I cooked, he was just not hungry. Appetite is a gift – one of the main pleasures in life. I wonder why that happens as one ages? Is that deprivation for something better?
I have yet to feel hungry, but I’m sure that will return – probably with a vengeance. I will delight in the hunger for a while and appreciate its meaning. I will enjoy food. A simple tomato. Delicious. An onion – magnificent. Radishes – divine!
But now, I rest – and dream of things to I will cook. Ah, the simple things. A loaf of bread, a jug of wine – – tomato, onion, and radish!
I wish you all a beautiful day – filled with la joie de vivre and a healthy appetite.