How are you feeling?

Do you want the truth or do you want what I think you want to hear?

Do you have time for the answer?

Do you want to feel like you have helped me or that you care?

I want you to have a good day and so – I’ll lie.

I want you to know that I know you care.  Thanks for asking.  I appreciate the question.

I want you to get on with your day – so I”ll be quick about it.

How do I feel?

I feel like I’ve been poisoned.  That’s the truth.

My bones ache – but they are not bad.  My head is cloudy – but not bad.

There are days when I am seriously depressed – but that lifts.

There are days when I am so tired I can hardly get out of bed – but I do.

My skin is dry – but lotion helps.

My teeth sometimes aches – but that seems to be temporary.

My balance is off – but I can hold on.

I want to cry – but if I laugh I don’t cry.  I am bored – but I find things to do.

I hate being bald  – but I have a wig to wear.

I am afraid of the needles and the drugs – but they save my life.

I want to get back to work and be productive – but I know I am not able yet.

So, how am I feeling?  My answer depends on how much time you have for me and how much you really care about that answer.   And it changes from day to day – sometimes minute to minute.

The one thing, however, that remains consistent is that I am grateful to be alive.

I will always try to count my blessings over my short-givings.  I will always try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I will always try to look for the beauty in nature and see the positives rather than dwell on the negatives.

Life is to short to carry grudges or to count on my hand the ways people have done me wrong.  One good thing must outweigh one bad – they are not equal.  If you offend me – I will try to turn the other cheek.

I feel fantastic, today!   Life is good and the sun is shining.  I thank God for this day.

Thanks for asking.

About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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17 Responses to How are you feeling?

  1. Gwen K says:

    Hope you have the best days that you can with the feelings you are having that day.

  2. carol reid says:

    Beautiful well said Stacey

  3. kiwiskan says:

    God Bless you for your honesty…

  4. Yes, you have been poisoned – that is what chemo is! I remember listening to my father explain what they had done to mom in 1968. No there are still days I feel like crap, I tell folks that too! But yes I am alive. I can stand walk, and jut vacuumed, swept and mopped – all to the good in my book!

    • inmycorner says:

      It is an “odd” feeling – if found it strange that that response “just” came to me recently. But that’s what it feels like. Barney – I’m alive. ANd I have such great quality of life in my book. It’s just sometimes difficult to know which version of the truth people want to hear. God bless you Dad! He sounds like mine.

  5. Gallivanta says:

    Must be exhausting sometimes just figuring out what to say. Communication, as you will know from your teaching, is a tricky business. Communicating feelings is particularly tricky. In the end, all you can do is give the truth as you know it in that moment.

    • inmycorner says:

      Yes. And be kind. I do find I lose patience when the question is not really meant to be a question. I need to be patient. Thanks, Gallivanta for empathizing.

  6. Terry smyth says:

    God bless you for your honesty.

  7. Terry smyth says:

    I don’t think you overstepped at all. If we don’t know how you are feeling or anyone else in your position we don’t know what to say. I believe open communication is the key. You are on our prayer list at church. Have a blessed day. 💕☺️

  8. RoSy says:

    Wishing you more better days than that not so good days.

  9. Leah says:

    I am glad you have your kids and Uncle Kevin around for hugs, love and support, along with more family and friends. I know Ben was at school, but with him rooting for you from farther away, it must have made it all the more bearable. Thank God it was making the cancer smaller. Even reading what you write, I still can’t imagine how strong you have needed to be. You are so awesome. And I really do mean awe-some.

    • inmycorner says:

      It did, indeed, Leah, make things more bearable. I have never been strong – I leaned on the strength of others. I am just simply determined to continue to be a mother to my children and a wife to my hubby. You know how powerful a motivator that can be! But, thank-you.

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