The Moving Finger writes..

The Moving Finger wrote:

“Live on”.

And what words can I write to describe what it feels like to be granted the potential for an old age?  What words can I write to express the relief I feel, yet, at the same time – anxiety?

I am at a loss for words.

“Your surgery, Stacey, went extremely well”, were the words iterated by my surgeon yesterday.  “The doctors in Toronto are bragging about you.”

How can I write,  “thank-you” adequately to express a gratitude for life?

For six months I have been fighting for my life.  Now, it seems, I have a good chance at winning this battle against cancer- at least, as far as I know.  That’s the best that anyone could do – to sneak an optimistic peek into the near future.  For one day now, I have enjoyed this good news. It feels like I have almost turned on a dime.

I stand on the precipice between my past and my future – not sure of which way to look.

Words escape me.  I wait for them.  It was easier to “feel” the sense of living with cancer than now living without it.  I am stunned, mute, almost numb.  The good news was almost like a monkey-wrench was flung into my “view of the world machine”.  I am shocked.

Speechless.

I am blinded.  I am baffled.  I am humbled.

I am awake, yet asleep at the same time.

Elated.

Three more chemo treatments to go to ensure there are no “radical free-wheeling” cancer cells floating around.  And chemo has not been so bad for me in the past – –

Three more immune booster shots.  These scare me more than anything as the last one I had sent me into pain worse than child labour.  “We will give you some pain medicine, Stacey.  That should help.  If not, then come to the hospital.”

I struggle for balance between joy and fear, present and future, optimism and realism.

I know I should be happy.  I am.  I think.  I think I am over-joyed.

My words escape me and my emotions are muddled.  Happiness, fear, faith seem to spill over in me and become one and the same.  The Moving Finger continues to write.  Thank God.  Because as long as It is writing – I am alive.

The Finger wrote:  “It was all ovarian cancer”, I heard the doctor say about the pathology report.  “We got it all.”  I heard the words.  The fear melted away.  No guesses.  No statements to follow that, “it is incurable, you will live with chemo…”  I have no words.  I have no thank-you’s.

I am a carte blanche, an empty book upon which a new life will write on my pages.

“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.”

– Omar Khayyam

…And I would have it no other way.  I would not wish for it to stop.  I would not wish to have it cancel half a line.  Although not easy, this journey has caused me to “pause”, to “consider”, and to “really live”.  No, I would not have it any other way.

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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18 Responses to The Moving Finger writes..

  1. hopebringsstrength says:

    Best News all YEAR! Fabulous Doctors and Caregivers, Incredible Faith, with the Power of Positive Thinking and an Army of LOVE surrounding you, you have been given Great Hope for a Bright and Healthy Future! Can’t wait to see what you do with it! Much Love to you today and Always!

  2. Pam Fitzsimmons says:

    That is fantastic! Just in time for Spring and renewal of all things. I’m still waiting to hear you ring that bell 🙂

  3. May your hopes and you live on!

  4. Tom Graves says:

    Thank you Jesus for Stacey’s healing, You are good! Blessings for a long life Stacey. Tom

  5. kiwiskan says:

    Understandable that you are still shell-shocked. It will be so good to be able to put all this behind you. Thank God

  6. Bob Wiele says:

    Amazing news Stacey. Awestruck. Struck dumb. Struck happy for you and all of us on Team Stacey. Fantastic the moving finger keeps you moving right along to your next chapter. We are gifted to be your smiling’ witnesses.

  7. tkmorin says:

    Congratulations! I too am thankful that the “monster” no longer resides in my temple! It is a great feeling, isn’t it? 🙂

  8. Gwen K. says:

    The best kind of news that leaves you speechless. I couldn’t be more thrilled. All our prayers have been answered. He does certainly move in mysterious ways.

  9. Kathy says:

    Fantastic !!!!!!!!

  10. April says:

    Such wonderful news! After I heard the words that ‘we got it all and it was the primary tumor’, I doubted and doubted. Were the doctors sure? Anyway, after almost 4 years cancer free, I’ve learned to neither look back nor too far forward. I have goals, but it is what I am doing at this moment that matters.

  11. Gallivanta says:

    Excellent news. But isn’t it vexing how bad news reduces our ability to find good news believable!

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