“My friend had cancer. She had surgery and then more chemo – but she died.”
“Oh. I’m so sorry.”
Why do people feel the need to tell me the bad news stories? There are certain times when it is okay to “not” tell me a truth. It isn’t a bad thing to tell a lie of omission on occasion – especially when I am about to undergo the knife myself. It is almost like some people are driven to divulge their own pain because it may just make mine feel less? I don’t know. I don’t assume they mean to be mean…
Tell me lies. I don’t care. Tell me you love my hair, that I look taller and thinner. Tell me that I am going to be okay. Who knows – maybe that last one isn’t a lie.
Tell me that surgery will be a cake-walk. That helps.
Tell me that your friend had cancer and survived it – how am I to know any differently?
There is so much to be said for the power of positive thinking and positive influence! Dr. Bernardini (my gynecologist in Toronto) said to me, “I need to emphasize that there is nothing that you did that caused this cancer to happen. There is nothing you could have done to stop it from happening. So many people feel guilt (did he read my post from a couple weeks ago?) that they should have know better – or been healthier – or something. Really, Stacey, this was just bad luck.”
Hey – I think I just heard that report about bad luck on CBC. Geez – bad luck. Does that mean that not having cancer is good luck? And what is the role of food, then? I have been working so hard to eat well – avoid GMOs (as much as I can – which is likely not much), preservatives, and “junk”. There HAS to be a role that good food vs bad food plays?
You would think that my mind would be much more settled now that I am booked for surgery?! No fat chance. I am spinning – but not always. These next two weeks may just turn out to be the longest two weeks in history! I spin when I least expect it. Like now. We just finished dinner and I was wondering if I should watch an episode of “House”? In popped the sentence, “… she died anyhow.” Geez.
How long will I not be able to walk after surgery? Will that drive me nuts? Will I be insane? Will I be impatient? Will I be able to have a bowel movement? (Apparently that is one of the biggest concerns of people having had surgery! I thought I had dodged that bullet for good!) So many questions that swirl – that really no one has the answers for. I know that I just have to wait and see.
Around and around and around my thoughts spin. Maybe a walk would do me good. Nights are the worst. The darkness closes my world in closer and dares me to sleep. I am tired, but don’t sleep well. I have already had several operations during the wee hours of the morning – and several different forms of recovery. I’ve woken up feeling very confused and wondering why I feel no pain – until I realize I am still waiting for surgery.
Anyhow – I think an episode of House may be in order…. as long as someone doesn’t die from cancer!