The longest two week wait …. ever!

“My friend had cancer.  She had surgery and then more chemo  – but she died.”

“Oh.  I’m so sorry.”

Why do people feel the need to tell me the bad news stories?  There are certain times when it is okay to “not” tell me a truth.  It isn’t a bad thing to tell a lie of omission on occasion – especially when I am about to undergo the knife myself.  It is almost like some people are driven to divulge their own pain because it may just make mine feel less?  I don’t know.  I don’t assume they mean to be mean…

Tell me lies.  I don’t care.  Tell me you love my hair, that I look taller and thinner.  Tell me that I am going to be okay.  Who knows – maybe that last one isn’t a lie.

Tell me that surgery will be a cake-walk.  That helps.

Tell me that your friend had cancer and survived it – how am I to know any differently?

There is so much to be said for the power of positive thinking and positive influence!  Dr. Bernardini (my gynecologist in Toronto) said to me, “I need to emphasize that there is nothing that you did that caused this cancer to happen.  There is nothing you could have done to stop it from happening.  So many people feel guilt (did he read my post from a couple weeks ago?) that they should have know better – or been healthier – or something.   Really, Stacey, this was just bad luck.”

Hey – I think I just heard that report about bad luck on CBC.  Geez – bad luck.  Does that mean that not having cancer is good luck?  And what is the role of food, then?  I have been working so hard to eat well – avoid GMOs (as much as I can – which is likely not much), preservatives, and “junk”.  There HAS to be a role that good food vs bad food plays?

You would think that my mind would be much more settled now that I am booked for surgery?!  No fat chance.  I am spinning – but not always.  These next two weeks may just turn out to be the longest two weeks in history!  I spin when I least expect it.  Like now.  We just finished dinner and I was wondering if I should watch an episode of “House”?  In popped the sentence, “… she died anyhow.”  Geez.

How long will I not be able to walk after surgery?  Will that drive me nuts?  Will I be insane?  Will I be impatient?  Will I be able to have a bowel movement?  (Apparently that is one of the biggest concerns of people having had surgery! I thought I had dodged that bullet for good!) So many questions that swirl – that really no one has the answers for.  I know that I just have to wait and see.

Around and around and around my thoughts spin.  Maybe a walk would do me good.  Nights are the worst.  The darkness closes my world in closer and dares me to sleep.  I am tired, but don’t sleep well.  I have already had several operations during the wee hours of the morning – and several different forms of recovery.  I’ve woken up feeling very confused and wondering why I feel no pain  – until I realize I am still waiting for surgery.

Anyhow – I think an episode of House may be in order…. as long as someone doesn’t die from cancer!

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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19 Responses to The longest two week wait …. ever!

  1. Not the best, my mother had cancer had radical double mastectomy, chemo and lived 4o years to raise us and see all her grandchildren!

  2. hopebringsstrength says:

    I can’t wait to tell the story of this amazing woman who rallied an army of positive support around her as she battled cancer and BEAT IT! That is a story worth sharing for years and years. Much Love

  3. Gwen K. says:

    Hope the episode of “House” proves a distraction.

  4. Tom Graves says:

    Philippians 4:8&9b: “Finally, brethren (Stacey), whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things ARE OF A GOOD REPORT; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, THINK ON THESE THINGS…and the God of peace shall be with you!”

    • inmycorner says:

      I guess that must have been what happened. I did feel peace. I was ready – for whatever decision was made. There is something left for me to do in this world. Now – I need to keep my eyes wide open! Thanks, Tom.

  5. Gallivanta says:

    The next two weeks will be l.o.n.g…..but the time will come and you will be fit and ready. You have had so much love and support during the chemo; I am sure there will be more of the same post-surgery, and you will be amazing-ish. 🙂

  6. pepesapam says:

    Don’t worry Stacey, remember your doctor said ‘you are healthy’..!! instead enjoy House..i love that series..:-)

    • inmycorner says:

      Yup. You bet I will remember – it is easier to remember the good things on a day like today when the sun is shining brightly into my livingroom! Hope your weather is equally inspiring. Thanks so much!

      • pepesapam says:

        that’s great..it must still be cold there??? right
        its a pleasant weather over here, it was cloudy in the morning but sun came out…as like the weather, i am also in a great mood to work. 🙂

      • inmycorner says:

        The sun always makes work seem more pleasant, doesn’t it? It is a balmy -5 today – not bad at all – and the Sun is shining.

  7. I like listening to your doctors. And being the one that others will be saying “I know a woman who had cancer, had chemo, walked with her husband, ate as well as she could, walked with friends, addressed her worries and fears, walked some more, did what her doctors told her to do, had surgery and is doing GREAT!!!”. Look, I’m already talking about you.

  8. dawna says:

    Hi Stacy—-you will come across people– meaning well– that will tell you a negative concerning cancer results. Let me now tell you a VERY POSITIVE STORY—you may or may not know that I had a very aggressive form of cancer 6 years ago—here I am –large as life– doing just fine thank you. I went through chemo, radiation, operation and a little depression but I made it through that tunnel and came out smiling at the other end. Stacy—try not to give into the fear of the unknown—a very wise person told me– at my low time– to say NO to the negative thoughts every time they come into your mind. I know that this sounds hooky but I tried to say NO each time that a scary thought appeared. I kept my minds eye directed to the positive within my life—not easy—but I did it. The positive thinking gave me strength and encouragement that I needed to get ready for the operation and the ongoing therapy after. Stacy, like many before and after me WE MAKE IT through the tunnel.

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