Waiting for the Other Shoe…

It may just be a bit of depression.

It may be because there is no sun today.

It may be because I am anxious about my colonoscopy /endoscopy and any other scopy I might get tomorrow.

Maybe I am running out of optimism temporarily – anticipating the doctor’s prognosis on Wednesday.

I am just plain sad.  I can’t seem to snap out of it.  Not yet.  It’s like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I haven’t given up though.

I definitely had a head-ache this morning that went away when I prepared myself a coffee a while ago.  Thank goodness the coffee helped.  The hot water beating down on my head helped too.

The solitude of my room helps. Maybe today is a good day to try those mindful meditation exercises.  They may help too – while I wait for the other shoe.

There are so many unknowns.  What will the doctors find in my colon?  Have my tumors shrunk or increased?  When will I qualify for surgery?  Will I react to the drug the inject to sedate me?  What if I have another type of cancer in addition to ovarian?  Will I have the patience I need to do what I need to do to get better?

Yes -I am scared.  I don’t want to see the doctor, but I am frightening not to as well.

No – I am not a hero.  I don’t feel courageous.  I am surrounded by brave people.

I am tired.  The walk with Kevin today was taxing.  I didn’t even look up.  I didn’t see the trees.  I didn’t notice the snow.  I had no energy or drive to even talk.  I felt utterly exhausted.  I know it was self-indulgent to look down.  I know looking up makes me feel better.  I know interacting with nature makes me feel better.  “Look deep, deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better”, reads the Einstein poster I stare at from my bed.   I know counting my blessings makes me feel better.  Sometimes, being positive takes more energy.  And I don’t have that energy today – at least not yet.

This is Sunday.  This is typical of my thinking three days before my next chemo treatment. Only, this time – I have no chemo scheduled.  On Sundays, I have tears.  On Sundays, I break down.  Kevin is always there to pick me up.  Life goes on around us.  David does his homework and plays with friends.  Katya works or visits her friends.  Ben is so very far awaya at school.  Sundays before chemo are typically days I wait for the other shoe to fall.

There is really nothing wrong.  I know this feeling will leave (thank goodness). I know my anxiety is fleeting.  How lucky is that?  There is a blessing I need to count.

Today, Kevin will ask me if I’m okay.  I’ll cry.  He will comfort me.  And once that dance is over, I’ll feel better.  Tears are cleansing.

I know the routine.  I know the remedy.  Until then, my heart continues to control my head and until then – I am just a little sad.

If I let it – sadness floods my soul.  I count my short-comings rather than my blessings.  How self-indulgent is that?  It angers me to be so selfish, wanting more, when so many have so little.  So – I will not let sadness overwhelm me.  I will not self-indulge.  I will, as I was taught by my parents, count my blessings.

I still have hope.  The sun is only hiding behind the clouds.

After all … I can always get another shoe!

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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24 Responses to Waiting for the Other Shoe…

  1. kiwiskan says:

    You have every right to be sad at times. I pray that the sun will shine for you today. God Bless

  2. Thanks for sharing this. Makes me think how much pressure we put on ourselves sometimes to “be positive” all of the time. I guess it does feel nicer and it’s frustrating when you’re trying. But, maybe sometimes are just really tough and we can stop pressuring ourselves to feel the way we “should” … and just notice that we do feel whatever it is. Hope all goes well for you today.

    • inmycorner says:

      Kirsty – thank-you for that very thoughtful response. You are so right that the “should” causes pressure. It makes me very happy to have such great people in my life (including this blog) who allow me to just be me.. Thanks for your feed-back and support!

  3. Terry Smyth says:

    Indulge yourself in these thoughts…I will pray that the sun will shine tomorrow and the next and the next etc… no matter what… you give so much Stacey. Allow yourself this time for sadness. sincerely

  4. There are a lot of emotions to decant. Thanks for sharing.
    Marcy Westerling
    http://livinglydying.com/

  5. Tom Graves says:

    Isaiah 41:13, Amplified Bible: “For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you!”

  6. I haven’t even read the blog yet. I saw the new banner picture and ‘ran’ down here to say I LOVE IT! 🙂 Okay, now I’m going back up to read the blog.

  7. Well. I will just sit here, after looking at that lovely picture. And then reading these very thoughtful, and honest words of yours, and ‘listen’. You need us to sometimes hear that this is how it is. And sometimes you just need to say this is how it is. And like you just told us, this will change. You will get to the other side of this, or pick up the shoe, or get another shoe, or dry the tears, be hugged by Kevin. But these things….these things are real, And you can still count your blessings. And you will look up again. I like this, because I like your honesty, and your working through it the way you need to work through it.

    • inmycorner says:

      I am so very appreciative, Colleen, of your patience. I am so grateful that you can take my honesty and not just cheer me on — you are right that through writing honestly, I can process. Feeling better tonight – another 16 hours I’ll be able to eat! Yahoo.

      • That is ALWAYS something to look forward to !!!!!! Prayers, thoughts and wissssssshhhhhhhes for you. Drag out the shhhhhh part of wishes, it feels better and makes it like the wishes are on the wind …..perhaps traveling over land and sea to you! 😉

  8. hopebringsstrength says:

    Please be gentle with yourself. Indulge, cry, sit longer then usual, and look down when it’s too hard to look up. Let your heart lead sometimes and give your head a rest. I LOVE that you “can always get another shoe”! Much Love to You, today and always

  9. Marg says:

    and the sun will shine, and you will be there to embrace its’ warmth and beauty. Tomorrow look up and take in all that lays before you. Many are praying for you and with invisible arms are holiding your tall and proud. oxoxo

  10. Gallivanta says:

    Yes, you can always get another shoe or even a pair, or just for fun you can look down and see mismatched shoes. Take heart; it’s okay to cry and feel utterly weary.

  11. Kathy says:

    It’s hard to believe it right now but you will feel happy again and get your life back.

  12. Dawna says:

    Stacy —- crying is your best friend right now as it relieves some of the tension you are feeling—Fear is the oldest power of control and fear is found in the unknown—once you know what you are dealing with– the fight and strength– within yourself and others that love you— will help you to move forward and look up into the trees and sunshine.

    • inmycorner says:

      I totally agree with you, Dawna. I know you are no stranger to tension or fear or fight and strength! Thank-you for this reminder. And, true – tomorrow I will be more “knowledgeable”.

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