It may just be a bit of depression.
It may be because there is no sun today.
It may be because I am anxious about my colonoscopy /endoscopy and any other scopy I might get tomorrow.
Maybe I am running out of optimism temporarily – anticipating the doctor’s prognosis on Wednesday.
I am just plain sad. I can’t seem to snap out of it. Not yet. It’s like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I haven’t given up though.
I definitely had a head-ache this morning that went away when I prepared myself a coffee a while ago. Thank goodness the coffee helped. The hot water beating down on my head helped too.
The solitude of my room helps. Maybe today is a good day to try those mindful meditation exercises. They may help too – while I wait for the other shoe.
There are so many unknowns. What will the doctors find in my colon? Have my tumors shrunk or increased? When will I qualify for surgery? Will I react to the drug the inject to sedate me? What if I have another type of cancer in addition to ovarian? Will I have the patience I need to do what I need to do to get better?
Yes -I am scared. I don’t want to see the doctor, but I am frightening not to as well.
No – I am not a hero. I don’t feel courageous. I am surrounded by brave people.
I am tired. The walk with Kevin today was taxing. I didn’t even look up. I didn’t see the trees. I didn’t notice the snow. I had no energy or drive to even talk. I felt utterly exhausted. I know it was self-indulgent to look down. I know looking up makes me feel better. I know interacting with nature makes me feel better. “Look deep, deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better”, reads the Einstein poster I stare at from my bed. I know counting my blessings makes me feel better. Sometimes, being positive takes more energy. And I don’t have that energy today – at least not yet.
This is Sunday. This is typical of my thinking three days before my next chemo treatment. Only, this time – I have no chemo scheduled. On Sundays, I have tears. On Sundays, I break down. Kevin is always there to pick me up. Life goes on around us. David does his homework and plays with friends. Katya works or visits her friends. Ben is so very far awaya at school. Sundays before chemo are typically days I wait for the other shoe to fall.
There is really nothing wrong. I know this feeling will leave (thank goodness). I know my anxiety is fleeting. How lucky is that? There is a blessing I need to count.
Today, Kevin will ask me if I’m okay. I’ll cry. He will comfort me. And once that dance is over, I’ll feel better. Tears are cleansing.
I know the routine. I know the remedy. Until then, my heart continues to control my head and until then – I am just a little sad.
If I let it – sadness floods my soul. I count my short-comings rather than my blessings. How self-indulgent is that? It angers me to be so selfish, wanting more, when so many have so little. So – I will not let sadness overwhelm me. I will not self-indulge. I will, as I was taught by my parents, count my blessings.
I still have hope. The sun is only hiding behind the clouds.
After all … I can always get another shoe!