Today – I am just still

The blank screen stares me in the face.

What can I write?

To whom shall I write?

What do I feel?

How do I feel?

Today I feel like I am drowning.  I am surrounded by life preservers, but am have very little energy to grab them.  I know I will tomorrow, but today – I am just still.

Maybe I should fill this screen with the things I appreciate?  That way I can see my blessings in front of me as they stare at me in defiance of my sombre mood.  I know I should.  To count my blessings today is too difficult.  I know they are there.  I wish I could…just count them.  I remain defiant myself.  I don’t want to count them.  Not today.

I will count them:  Kevin, Benjamin, Katya, David, Family, Friends, Heat, Quilts, Food….

There is so much for which I am grateful.  I have so many riches.  I have been born into privilege.  I am surrounded by loved ones who support and encourage me.

But,  I am not awake.

I am not asleep.

I wish I could sleep.  I know I will and then I will feel better.

I am still.

There was no new news yesterday – there was just more news.

Surgery is not an option… yet.  The chemo is working… but it is slow.  The process grinds on.  Why am I not getting better faster?  The pace is so painfully slow and this path has become more challenging.  I need more chemo.  The tumors have shrunk – but not enough.  The liver is tricky.  I have been referred to “the team”.  I am now a “challenging case”.

I have to fight harder.  I will fight harder.  Today, I am tired.  Today, I am just tired.  I feel worn-out.  I am just still.

Tomorrow will be better. I will fight.  I know I will.

Other than my hair and feeling tired, you would never know that I am even sick.  I find it so odd that I can be in such good health – and yet diseased.  I could focus on my good health or I could focus on the disease.  I know what I should do – – it is difficult to do today.

My mind is still.  I feel numb.  I am still.

I need to keep moving.  I know that.  I need to do what I don’t want to do.  I know that too. The test of true courage is upon me — in spite of seemingly insurmountable odds, I need to keep fighting.

I am running a marathon of faith on a half-empty tank.  That’s it.  I need some gas.  Today is the day I refuel.  Maybe tomorrow too.  I have parked myself at the fueling bay and am waiting for “pay day” to come to afford the gas.  Yes – that’s the analogy.  I know the fuel is there.

I am climbing the Himalayas – stuck at base camp.  How long do I need to stay here until I can move on?  That is not really the hiker’s decision is it?  It is the body that dictates the time.  And each body is different.  There is no “one” plan that fits all.  I just know I want to climb.  Patience.  Stillness.  Rest.  Refuel.  Recharge.  Reconvene.  Renew.  These things will come.

Today, however, I am just still.

About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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18 Responses to Today – I am just still

  1. Fight the Battle and look for Victory. A season of rest will come. Take care and God bless 🙂 Kenny T

  2. Tom Graves says:

    When you pray the Lord’s Prayer, you state God’s will for your healing in the line that says, “Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.” (Matt 6:10). There is no cancer in heaven! There is no sickness in heaven! III John 2 affirms this! This is God’s Word to you! “Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.” Be blessed and healed in the Mighty Name of Jesus! Tom

    • inmycorner says:

      Those are my favorite lines – and I have really listened to them lately. That – and the power and the glory… I sure do appreciate that someone so faithful as you is sending such wonderful prayers my way. Thank-you. And blessings back to you.

  3. hopebringsstrength says:

    Every battle has a few Time Outs. It is impossible to fight every moment of every day. Sometimes being still and reflecting on the gains that have been made so far and understanding the challenges just up the road is all that needs to be done. No movement is not defeat…it is often the best plan of action for that moment in time. For now, be Still physically and more importantly…Mentally. Much Love

    • inmycorner says:

      I suppose so. I wish that were not the case. It is not like me to be still. I am tired. I really like your line that no movement is not defeat. I will hang my hat on that one tonight. Thank-you. I will try to be mentally still – no promises!

  4. Yes Stacey, rest and be still. Refuel. Acclimate. And then you will be ready. If not tomorrow, the next day. You will know when. God bless you and comfort you and send an army of angels to surround you and send soft breezes with their wings, music with their soft laughter, and love and warmth in their presence.

    • inmycorner says:

      i hope to God I will be ready, Colleen. This is not like me to do “nothing”. I am tired. I am afraid. I so appreciate that you are lobbying in my court for the angels. I sure need them. The doc’s appointment was discouraging – not even sure if the cancer is ovarian or liver… not sure if chemo can even help me. So many unknowns is what makes today difficult. I will look for the angels you send. Thank-you, as always, for your very kind and comforting words.

      • Stacey I understand the sitting and doing “nothing” difficulty. But, you ARE doing something. Maybe it will help if you envision what it is you are actually doing? Envision the cells getting the chemo, attacking the cancer, getting weak in the process, and then rebuilding them with your rest and nutrition. You are “doing” things when you are reading and writing….things that had to be put off until you needed to rest your body. So rest your body and put your self to ‘work’ by rebuilding it.

        As an aside…..lately I’ve seen articles about cancer. Where there are some (I am SO not medically wise so forgive my paraphrasing please) who do not want cancer labeled as a ‘body part’. ie breast, colon, prostrate, etc. But the “kind” of cancer it is. The cells or whatever, that make it up. Does that make sense?

        And angels can be pretty funny. If you are really quiet….and the house is hushed…..sometimes in the middle of the night, or the middle of the day… can hear them laugh. 🙂 THAT is doing something as well, being still enough to catch that!

      • inmycorner says:

        Colleen – I have given this comment so much thought as you are so right. I do need to recognize that doing nothing is really doing a lot. I thought how parallel this “rest” is to when I gave birth. Remember feeling productive when you were able to “shower”? I guess I need to think about recovery from cancer in the same manner. Thank-you for this very thoughtful post.

      • You’re very welcome Stacey. And I hope all of this REST WORK is paying off.

      • inmycorner says:

        Oh body – I hope so too – I wonder if I ‘m milking it too much and falling into a permanent pattern of “rest”. Funny, eh? WOrry, worry, worry. So USED to doing, doing, doing. In any case – for now I know my body needs it.

      • You will know when your body is starting to say….that’s enough rest Stacey. Get me up and DOING again. 🙂 You won’t be able to make yourself sit down.

  5. kiwiskan says:

    God bless you love. Rest when you need to…

  6. Janine Baines says:

    Oh Stacey it is ok to take time to be still. Scripture tells us to rest. Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10. It is a time to reflect and regenerate. Xoxo

  7. Sandra Bray says:

    Maybe stillness is a lesson at this point? It could seem valuable, if foreign ;), to healing. I wonder if we all might benefit from periods of total rest? Your body/spirit knows. XO

  8. pepesapam says:

    Sometimes being ‘still’ is the answer to everything, rest well and recharge your energy…!! God Bless you always…and hope you are feeling much better now than before.

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