The blank screen stares me in the face.
What can I write?
To whom shall I write?
What do I feel?
How do I feel?
Today I feel like I am drowning. I am surrounded by life preservers, but am have very little energy to grab them. I know I will tomorrow, but today – I am just still.
Maybe I should fill this screen with the things I appreciate? That way I can see my blessings in front of me as they stare at me in defiance of my sombre mood. I know I should. To count my blessings today is too difficult. I know they are there. I wish I could…just count them. I remain defiant myself. I don’t want to count them. Not today.
I will count them: Kevin, Benjamin, Katya, David, Family, Friends, Heat, Quilts, Food….
There is so much for which I am grateful. I have so many riches. I have been born into privilege. I am surrounded by loved ones who support and encourage me.
But, I am not awake.
I am not asleep.
I wish I could sleep. I know I will and then I will feel better.
I am still.
There was no new news yesterday – there was just more news.
Surgery is not an option… yet. The chemo is working… but it is slow. The process grinds on. Why am I not getting better faster? The pace is so painfully slow and this path has become more challenging. I need more chemo. The tumors have shrunk – but not enough. The liver is tricky. I have been referred to “the team”. I am now a “challenging case”.
I have to fight harder. I will fight harder. Today, I am tired. Today, I am just tired. I feel worn-out. I am just still.
Tomorrow will be better. I will fight. I know I will.
Other than my hair and feeling tired, you would never know that I am even sick. I find it so odd that I can be in such good health – and yet diseased. I could focus on my good health or I could focus on the disease. I know what I should do – – it is difficult to do today.
My mind is still. I feel numb. I am still.
I need to keep moving. I know that. I need to do what I don’t want to do. I know that too. The test of true courage is upon me — in spite of seemingly insurmountable odds, I need to keep fighting.
I am running a marathon of faith on a half-empty tank. That’s it. I need some gas. Today is the day I refuel. Maybe tomorrow too. I have parked myself at the fueling bay and am waiting for “pay day” to come to afford the gas. Yes – that’s the analogy. I know the fuel is there.
I am climbing the Himalayas – stuck at base camp. How long do I need to stay here until I can move on? That is not really the hiker’s decision is it? It is the body that dictates the time. And each body is different. There is no “one” plan that fits all. I just know I want to climb. Patience. Stillness. Rest. Refuel. Recharge. Reconvene. Renew. These things will come.
Today, however, I am just still.