What if…

What if the cancer has grown rather than shrunk? I hope I have the courage to face that news!

What if the cancer is not controllable?

What if the doctor tells me I have another three rounds of chemo?  I hope I have the strength to face chemo again!

What happens if I don’t?

What if the cancer is a different kind related to another organ?  I hope I have the option of a different type of chemo-therapy!

What if I don’t?

What if that different chemo-therapy makes me sick?  I hope I can stay positive!

What if I am sick?

What if I don’t stay positive?  I hope my friends will understand and support me!

What if they don’t understand?

What happens if my friends get tired of my complaining?  I hope they can forgive me!

What if they don’t?

What happens if I strike a deal with God?  I hope it is a good deal!

What if recovery is not in God’s plan?  I pray it is!

But what if it is not?

What if I am scheduled for surgery? I hope I have the faith I need to trust the doctors!

What if I don’t?

What if surgery is not for another several months?  I hope I have the resilience to stand the wait!

What if I don’t?

What if surgery is this week?  I hope!

What if it is?

What if surgery is not an option?  I hope I have the strength to face that news!

What if I don’t?

What if I do?

What if I am cured?

What if I am granted a new license on life?  What will change?

What if there is no cancer in me right now?

What if?

What would I do? What would I do differently?

These are the doubts and questions that plague me as I wait for my follow-up appointment today.  I imagine a million different scenarios.  Which one will it be?  Will I react well?  Will we celebrate?  Will I cry tears of joy – or sorrow?  Swirl, swirl, swirl.  Will I even know today what will happen?  Will being positive yield a different result now?  Is the cancer enjoying this indecision?  Can I stay strong?

I will do what I can.

What I can do is pray!  What I can do is believe in my medical team and in God.  What I can do is turn my thoughts around!

What if the cancer has shrunk?

What if the cancer is controllable?

What if changing my diet changed my prognosis for the better?

What if the prayers of my friends and family were heard?

What if the doctor tells me I have another three rounds of chemo?

What choice do I have but to fight?  None.  I want to fight.  I want to believe.  I want to have faith.

And no doctor’s appointment will change that!

What if prayers were heard?  What if I took my husband’s advice and stopped asking, “what if”?

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About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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4 Responses to What if…

  1. pepesapam says:

    My prayers are with you always, be strong and believe in your prayers and God.
    He will surely hear your prayers.Btw the picture at the top of this post is kind of cute…!!

  2. The Gospel of Barney says:

    Life is too full of “what ifs,” Thank you!

  3. I have a feeling that picture is your husband telling you that HE, and He, both love you.

    I pray for your continued strength and health Stacey.

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