Here we go again! Today is another “benchmark” day. Bloodwork – followed by doctor’s review of the blood-work and a prescription for my pre-chemo meds.
It is not like I haven’t been here before – but it seems that it doesn’t matter. Maybe it is worse because I know what “could” happen.
The anxiety is tough while I wait for things to happen and then when I’m in the thick of the action I am too “in the moment” to worry about the future.
But today, now, I am all about the future and what if’s:
– What if my white blood count isn’t high enough – and chemo will be delayed?
– What if my white count is high enough and I do have to take chemo?
– What if there is some funky marker in my blood that indicates my liver has been compromised by the toxins in the chemo?
– What if I am late for my appointment?
– What if I forget to get my prescription?
– What if I get into an accident on my way to the hospital? (seriously – I know that is a bizarre concern, but it seems like all concerns are jumbled into one today)
– What if there is some indication that my CA-marker (I should know the number, but I don’t) has not gone down?
– What if the cancer seems to have spread to other areas and I am being so optimistic only to be struck down to be disappointed. The disappointment would be so difficult to handle.
I am taking notes from Taylor Swift today. Her song, “Shake it Off” spins in my head. It sounds like it is easy to do and that the song is upbeat and catchy makes the shaking off seem easy. It is not – but why sing a sad tune when you are trying to shake things off? It really is mind over matter and I know once Katya (my daughter who is driving me for blood-work) and I are on the road I will be okay.
Do I wear a hat? I could legitimately wear one even if I didn’t have cancer as it it cold outside. I don’t know why I silently rebel against my hats right now. I need to figure that out. It is almost like I am protesting against tools that are there to help me. I almost feel like I am giving in if I wear a hat – I don’t want to cover up my illness – but I don’t want to advertise it either.
Do I not wear a hat and indulge my protest? My head would be cold. And people will look – especially children. I don’t want to scare anyone. I know my family and friends are not afraid – but what about strangers? I didn’t answer the door at Halloween so that children would not “look” at me and wonder why is this lady bald. I ask David and Katya if I should wear a hat when I am in public with them. Their answer, “No, Mom. You don’t have to wear a hat – you don’t embarrass me.” Bless them.
Shake it off, Stacey. Focus on something completely unrelated, right? Ha.
My third chemo journey is about to begin. It is round three in the war against cancer – how can I shake that off? There is so much at stake here. I have done what I can do and now, it seems, the ball is back in the doctors’ courts. I wonder, though, how the ball will be returned – gently, or will a slam? I guess I need to worry about that bridge when I get to it.
For now – I just gotta shake it off!