My Spark is a Little Unplugged

I feel like I’m riding the “bi”polar express today.

I want to do something and I want to do nothing.

I am grateful and I am ungrateful.

I am angry and I am sad.

I keep busy cooking because I like cooking.  But I don’t really like it today.

What do I want to do?  I want to do something and I want to do nothing.

I am optimistic and I am pessimistic.

I feel I have made progress and I feel I have regressed.

My skin feels old and my joints ache.

I still have my eyebrows and my hair has stopped falling out for now but I don’t want people to see me today.

I want to talk and I don’t want to talk.

What do I want to do? I want to do something and I want to do nothing.

It is nice outside and yet it is miserable.

I like the company of others but I want to be alone.

I want the night to come but I don’t.

I want to clean the house and at the same time I don’t give a crap about it.

I feel grateful and I feel guilty.

What do I want to do?  I want to do something and I want to do nothing.

I’m riding the bipolar express.

About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
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15 Responses to My Spark is a Little Unplugged

  1. Gwen K says:

    My dear friend, I think we all have days like that. Just pray that tomorrow you have gotten off that particular train, and can make a connection that feels like you are going somewhere you want to be heading.

  2. Janine Baines says:

    I figured that this weekend must of been a tough one. Thinking of you all. Xoxo. J.

  3. Sandra Bray says:

    It’s the alignment of the stars and the moon; I have felt the same today. Maybe it’s like sympathetic pregnancy? HA! I know nothing but my heart is with you darlin’.

  4. Oh Stacey….I wish I had some wise, or witty, or great words to help…… All I really have is a desire to make you feel better. I hope by now you’ve disembarked from that train and don what ever you wanted or didn’t want to do.

    • inmycorner says:

      Much better today, Colleen. That train sometimes runs at red-neck speeds and there is very little to do but ride it. Knowing the drugs may have a role to play in my mood helps me to understand at least. Today is better. thanks for being there – it DOES make a difference. It’s funny, I think at times my Dad sent you to me since we met via his blog.

      • I like that idea. 🙂 That your dad sent me your way. So far it sounds like you have really paid attention to what the drugs are doing to you. It makes complete sense to me. I admire your writing through this Stacey. Your mom and dad would both be cheering you on, and watching over you.

      • inmycorner says:

        OH, thank-you. I really appreciate that you involve them in my writing and care. My Dad always loved writing but always procrastinated – never did write his book – maybe I’ll do it “with” him watching over my shoulder.

      • Oh Stacey!!!!!!! What a great idea!!!! While you need to get treatment and heal, you could get extra healing from your parents by writing about them!!!!

  5. kiwiskan says:

    that horrible feeling of being in limbo – not surprising right now. It will pass ♥

  6. Gallivanta says:

    Sounds like a very uncomfortable ride, and the trouble with an ‘express’ service is that you can’t get off till the train arrives at its destination. 😦

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