It is 4:12 am. It’s not time to get up yet – no one is awake.
The window is open and there is a cool breeze that flows gently into my room which is both a curse and a blessing.
It’s the hot and cold flashes that are keeping me awake tonight. I think it may be a side-effect of either the chemo – or forced onset of menopause. Either way they drive me nuts! Honestly, one minute I break into a fierce sweat and throw the covers off to welcome to cool breeze. The next I am freezing cold and haul up my duvet above my head to get warm. I even turn on the heating pad. What?
Then, I ruminate. I should NOT have read any more information about ovarian cancer treatments. I should have learned my lesson the first time. Curiosity kills the cat, right?
I felt good today thinking that this second round was so much more less stressful – I knew what was going to happen to my body and could be more “prepared”. My sore throat – been there done it. That’s my cells dying. I think. So, I drink water.
That is a warning that my stomach is next so NO hot food. Okay, so it’s food in general that causes stomach pain. I think. So, I don’t eat.
Nope. Not eating doesn’t work – maybe a little rice? A little soft food may help control the acid release on my stomach that has been stripped of its cells? I think. So, I eat rice.
Maybe. At least I could take my last dose of steroid. Maybe the steroids will help me slow down the healing process and that’s what hurts? I think. So, I take my pills.
What about my mood? I am friggin anxious and angry. Is this how “roid rage” feels? I can’t stand the smell of food cooking. It smells good – but I can’t stand it. I can’t stand the noise. It is only the news and I enjoy watching the news but it irritates me. The phone. I don’t want to talk to anyone today. I just need to be alone. I think. So, I go to my room and hunker down in bed. It has to be the withdrawal from steroid over-dose during chemo? I think.
It is quiet. I could not go through this process and then get up and go to work the next day. I am sooo fortunate to have a job with benefits. I don’t know how other people do it? How can they focus on getting better when they are too busy stressing about money and a job and maybe a family? I have the luxury of being home and focusing on healing. I have a wonderfully supportive husband, children, mother-in-law, and a job that provides me with sick leave. I have no right to complain. Oh, and did I mention the health-care is free and in my own home-town?
Still, nights are the worst. They are a bitter-sweet. They are quiet which allows me quiet contemplation and time to reflect. Without this time, would I be able to adjust my attitude from one of self-pity to one of gratitude? Is the breeze a friend or a foe? I decide the breeze is a friend like chemo is a friend. They are both there to help. It is how I react to it that makes the difference. Guess that is my lesson for the night. I think.
Maybe that makes nights the best?