If You Give me Permission to Cry

If you give me permission to cry…

– I can grieve the loss of my hair as it begins to fall out in spite of my best efforts to be “kind” to my hair.  It’s not so much that I fear the end baldness, it is the process itself that is difficult.  The transition reminds me that my body is undergoing stress and it reminds that I am in a fight for my life.  Having hair allows me to pretend that the trauma is over.  Having no hair allows me to know the trauma is over.  The transition is the worst.  After I cry, I move through grief more quickly to a place where I can feel settled.

– I can process the loss of my physical strength.  I have always had energy.  I paint.  I do windows.  I mud and tape drywall.  I move furniture, much to my husband’s chagrin (grin).  I cook.  I clean.  I pay bills.  I walk (every morning with my husband), I do…. whatever needs to be done.  My dad was the same way and he prided himself so much on his athletic prowess and fitness.  After he came home from work each night he would change into his work clothes and head to the bush with his chainsaw in hand.  Hours later he would return with a full sweat on and a truck load of freshly cut wood which he would then stack to dry in the sun.  He had so much energy.  In his later years, Dad was stuck with this energy inside a body that would not cooperate.  He was so impatient with himself for the longest time.  Eventually he told me that Parkinson’s had taught him to be patient.  Maybe I ought to heed his wisdom.  After I cry, I have more strength.

– I can be sad for a while. Yes, I have a positive attitude.  Yes, I imagine full recovery.  Yes, I imagine living life into a ripe old age and being able to see my children settled and giving me grandchildren.  Yes, I count my blessings.  Yes.  On occasion, however, I get sad.   I don’t feel like being positive.  I indulge in self-pity.  I call upon the Heavens to help me find courage and strength and happiness – and sometimes they don’t respond right away.  But after I cry, I can pick myself and brush myself, and start all over again.  (I sound like Nat King Cole.)

– I can pick myself up again. Releasing my tears helps me to re-locate my strength.  I find my “grit”.  I won’t be down for long.  After I cry, I feel better.

– I can be vulnerable for a while.  I know I am strong.  But I’m not strong all the time.  I draw my strength once I can get my tears out and have a damn good cry.  Having someone there to comfort me when I cry allows me let ‘er rip and have a good cry without feeling judged that I am not strong.  A dear friend told me that only strong people cry.  I didn’t really understand that for the longest time.  I do now.  After I cry, I feel less vulnerable.

After I cry:

– I can work through the bad spots;

– I can feel better;

– I can cope;

– I can deal with hair loss;

– I feel like I am real;

– I feel a deeper bond with people;

– I feel like you hear my pain…. so you can understand how difficult it is to always be strong.

– I feel like you are acknowledging my struggle and not ignoring it.

– I feel like you are “with” me and not ignoring a part of me that is reaching out.

… if you let me cry.

Advertisements

About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in Cancer Journey, Grief and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to If You Give me Permission to Cry

  1. Wilma says:

    My dear Stacey .. please know that you are not crying alone .. hugs to you .. cry as much as you need to ❤ ❤

  2. hopebringsstrength says:

    FEEL free… whenever, however and with whomever. This is YOUR journey and no matter how much experiential advise advise and wisdom is shared with you, it will always be different then your own. We can never step into someone’s shoes mid way through their life, no matter how similar the experience might seem to be to our own. Allowing yourself to FEEL brings the heart and mind that much more into unison. Hold onto nothing that doesn’t FEEL good and hold tight to everything that does. Giving yourself permission to FEEL is the greatest gift that you could ever give yourself. Love given is love gained, so remember to love YOU.

    • inmycorner says:

      Indeed. Sounds like you are not only crazy smart – but wise too, Deb. I am feeling. I am holding onto good. That is one of the reasons I have re-connected with you, my friend of pushing 50 years. (egad)

      • hopebringsstrength says:

        As much as I wish we were friends for almost 50 years, sadly we were not. You and your family came into my life 13 years ago and I have counted that blessing everyday since! I do look forward to the day that I can say we are friends and family for almost 50 years. “Hope Brings Strength” posts are from a different Deb. (Jamie’s Deb)

  3. Wilma says:

    You wouldn’t like it Stacey .. numbers numbers numbers … filing tax reports to CRA and pension reconcilitions (not mine but I wish LOL ) .. just mundane stuff 🙂

    • Wilma says:

      Ooops .. posted that in the wrong space .. but I know you will understand 🙂 .. and I made a typo in ” reconciliations” .. but I have learned to relax a bit..not much but a bit! Have a good day Stacey.

  4. You don’t need any one’s permission. Everything you said here makes so much sense. It sounds so amazingly healthy. Sadness is a very normal reaction for humans. Why do we ignore it? Or fight it? Allow it’s existence, but control it like you are. I think it’s pretty powerful, what you wrote here. You sound like you are empowering yourself. And if you cry, I’m pretty sure you will not cry alone.

    • inmycorner says:

      THank-you, Colleen. I always feel better after I cry for sure. I have always known the power of tears – but never had to actually apply it to myself. A dear friend of mine taught me to cry and she was my shoulder often. It is still tough to have an audience to cry to when the audience is uncomfortable. I’m hoping this post will help others understand to not be afraid of tears.

      • I hope so too Stacey. Just yesterday a friend said to me “I can’t talk about it I’ll cry”. I just looked at her and said “so cry”. Which made her laugh. Because I had given her permission to cry. Just now remembered that. She didn’t cry. But something seemed to loosen up when I didn’t express worry about her crying.

  5. Greg Taylor says:

    Hey Stacey: I really appreciate your honesty and courage to share this journey so openly. I know that everyone has the right to deal with this kind of journey in their own way (some more privately) but I really think your message is helping others (including me). So many suffer in silence, which I think only makes it worse. Big hugs and prayers your way. Greg

    • inmycorner says:

      THanks Greg. I am hoping it will help. When I am not feeling so perky, I hesitate that the blog will bring people down. But – I guess that’s okay. It really is an emotional roller-coaster – and I call a spade a spade. Just better that way as it helps me not have to hide anything. I hate hiding my emotions – and refuse now to bury them as I think they can be toxic. Thanks for the hugs and prayers!

  6. Gwen K says:

    Tears have a cleansing balm for the soul. Use them as often as needed. Feel free.

  7. Gwen K says:

    PS. Sounds like you have some very smart friends in your collection of people.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s