Juxtapositions

“Your doctors told you about your hair, right?  Did they tell you that it won’t come out all at once, but will thin and then come out in chunks.  Your doctors told you right?”

  • “I know a lot a people who went through chemo and kept all of her hair.  She got it cut shorter and bought a wig to prepare but then, never wore the wig.”

“You will likely be vomiting.  So be sure to take your medicine whenever you feel any nausea coming on at all.  It is easier to treat nausea than it is to treat vomiting.”

  • “My husband did not react to the medicine at all.  Modern medicine that treats side-effects is wonderful.  He felt great throughout the whole time.”

“What happens if you go through all of this – and nothing changes?”

  • “There have been so many advancements with medicine that you WILL come through this, Stacey.  If one treatment doesn’t work, the doctors will try another – or another – or another.  There are so many options.”

“She would come back from chemo and be so tired and sick.  The chemo was worse than the disease.”

  • “His chemo was his friend.  It made a world of difference and helped to take away the pain.”

“The steroids themselves have such bad side-effects.  Your teeth and bones will be affected.”

  • “The steroids will really help with the swelling.  You’ll be off them in no time.”

“Stage 4 ovarian cancer has a 17% survival rate.”

  • “My sister had her ovary removed, part of her liver removed, part of her diaphragm removed, and her spleen removed.  That was 16 years ago.  She is alive and well.  She beat cancer.”

“Stacey, my mom died from ovarian cancer.”

  • “Stacey, my mom survived cancer.”

“Stacey, you need to take it easy.”

  • “Stacey, you need to do nothing but rest.”

“Stacey, I am always here for you.  I will be away for a week…”

  • “Stacey, I am here.  What do you need.”

“Stacey, I am so worried.”

  • “Stacey, you got this!”

“What will happen to my family?  I want to see my children grow up.  It is not fair.  I am healthy.  I eat well.  What happened?  Why did I not go to the doctor sooner?  Was it because I ate bacon?  I should have listened to my mom when she told me about having to nurse her mother through liver cancer.  Did her mother have any treatment at all in the 1950s?  Was it really 10 years ago when we lost a good friend of ours?  What happens if I get pneumonia?  What if the cancer is in my brain?  What if they cut me open and close me up because there is nothing they can do?  Do I wear my wedding rings if I am dying from the chemo… will my fingers swell?  Did my Mom visit me in my dreams last night because she was reassuring me for my journey to be with her?  Will my husband remarry?  Will he stay in this house?  Will my family be able to survive without me? Will I see another spring?  Will it hurt?…”

  • “I want to live.  I am not ready to go.  I will think positively.  I love life.  I will set goals.  I will use others’ strength.  I will learn new recipes.  I will love my children.  I will love my husband and appreciate our relationship.  I will read happy things.  I will laugh.  I will breath.  I will enjoy.  I will pray.  I will fight! I am strong.  I am healthy.  I am determined.  I am courageous. I will deal with my hair.  I will return to teaching and make a difference.  I want to live deeply.”
Advertisements

About inmycorner

This blog began as an opportunity to tell my Dad's stories. I sat with him and the computer and together we told stories. It was a wonderful way to get to know Dad. He was 9. He and Mom had a wonderful life together and since she passed away a year and a half before him - Dad was ready to join her. I no longer tell his stories but have found stories of my own. The impetus to resume this blog was the discovery that I had stage 4 ovarian cancer. Since blogging had been so therapeutic for my dad and I to get through our grief, I felt maybe this would be a good outlet to process my situation. I also hoped it may serve as an outreach to anyone else who is facing this very ominous journey. So far, so good.
This entry was posted in Cancer Journey and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Juxtapositions

  1. nakularora says:

    You have a beautiful attitude and the way you are approaching this speaks so much about you.. Take Care. 🙂

  2. Kendall Walsh says:

    Every journey has it’s bumps and every road has it’s curves, your positive upbeat attitude shines so bright because you ARE strong enough!

  3. Your very valuable journey….and you are sharing it with us. Making it valuable to me. Thank you StacEy. (I am pretty sure I got it right this time). 😉

    Thank you for your words today.

  4. Debra says:

    So much to take in, So much to sort, So much love to absorb, but YOU WILL!

  5. Jim Duff says:

    Ah Stacey … I honestly think you need to keep this and the other posts as the beginning of a book on your journey through this. I have every confidence in your ability to beat this, as only a Duff can. With Humour, with Courage, with Patience, and with Perseverance.

    Love you.
    Jamie

  6. Janine Baines says:

    Wear that wedding ring. I can get it off you when it really needs to come off. I have that talent down to a science. Love you. Xoxo

  7. Rita says:

    Speechless…

  8. Deziree says:

    Stacey, when I met you I was attempting to finish high-school at an Adult school in Barrie. I had spent my entire life under the control, physical and mental abuse of a parent and had recently become homeless after taking a stand and refusing to give into a demand. As a result I ended up living with a guy who I shouldn’t of, someone who made me quit my job because he didn’t like it when I spoke to other guys and got really nasty when he was drinking. I stayed with him because at least half of everything was mine and when the fighting stopped I still had a place to live.

    You probably wouldn’t remember me. I don’t remember doing particularly good or bad in your class. I remember you; I will -always- remember you. You were that kind, energetic, compassionate woman who taught me about health and nutrition and encouraged me to go to fitness class with her. I learned a little bit about self-care from you, something I desperately needed and I met someone who was willing to break the mold. I never felt you as an ‘Authority’ figure who I had to please or my world wouldn’t go right. You were a person-first and you cared about every single person you were passing your knowledge onto. You were even willing to sweat next to me. I never felt shame, embarrassment, judgement or fear, all I ever felt was that you cared, even though you didn’t know me that well.

    I recently took myself out of the family, those who didn’t hurt me watched me get hurt and did nothing and the patterns are still here 20 some odd years. I’ve been doing some soul searching, it’s the first time I’ve felt it safe to have evidence so I’ve been doing a lot of tortured writing myself. It helps for me and I really hope that this is helping you work out things in your own mind.

    I can’t begin to imagine what turmoil your heart and your mind are going through. Or what kind of special hell you visit when you get trapped inside your own head. I do know, that being trapped in my head is the most uncomfortable and painful experience I self-inflict. I’ve always had a hard time getting my brain to ‘Shut up’ but I found something very recently that made me feel… better. I hope it helps you too.

    It sounds like, you are very conflicted with the messages you’ve been receiving about the process you’re going through and underneath all of that is fear and what ifs. Struggling around the not-knowing and the what-ifs; you sound like you feel so… lost. Confused. Scared. If it feels like everything is spiraling out of control grasp hold of what you DO know.

    You have a family that loves you from the bottom of their hearts and people who admire you from afar..
    You have touched the lives of people in ways you can’t possibly imagine.
    The truth of how great a person you are shines through everything you’ve done and will continue to do.
    Every time someone hugs you, that’s exactly where you are, at that moment, and it’s wonderful.

    Those are just my suggestions for your list, I’m sure you have many, many more.

    My heart wants to tell yours that it loves you and that I will keep reading and keep writing.

    • inmycorner says:

      Deziree – I thought I remembered you – but the Deziree I remembered was less confident.
      I thought I remembered you, but the Desiree I remembered was more scattered.
      I thought I remembered you, but the Desiree I remembered was less wise.
      I thought I remembered you – and the Desiree I remembered was and remains thoughtful, compassionate, and had a lust for life.

      Of COURSE I remember you. More than that, I taught you English in the room tucked in the back. You helped with the from Bombs to Books fund-raiser and donated some art from your Mom. I also remember the relationship that you had with your family and being worried.

      I am SO proud of you. You have found your wonderful self and risen above like a true Phoenix!

      Your words are so very kind and generous, Deziree and I will take heed from them.

      It is quite a moment for me when the student becomes the teacher.

      I would love to read more of your writing – please tell me how!

      My thoughts seem like chaos – until they go down on paper and then they settle… which is why I write.

      Bless you, my dear. You have infused me with hope!

  9. Mary Kendall says:

    I have just read this 11 months after it was written. My heart feels so sad for your struggle. Then I scrolled down and read the beautiful comments people made, including this last one from your former student, Deziree, and there are tears in my eyes. As a teacher you gave a student the will to believe in herself–and she has–and that is worth more than anything. As a person you are faced with one of the most challenging of diseases, and in my heart I can tell you are a fighter and will survive this journey.

    • inmycorner says:

      Mary, thank-you so much for taking such a great interest in my journey. Yes – my students were and continue to be so very kind too. THey are very special people who I cheered on when they were in need. Now – they are my greatest cheer-leaders. I so much appreciate that you have shared their stories via my blog too!

  10. Pingback: That was then – this is now | In The Corner

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s